#also how would they know how loud construction is during the day if they were going to class

[sunflowerrboyy]

hi.

i have a predicament so ofc i go to tumblr to get opinions

my two neighbors across the hall are hella loud. like i dont mean talkative i mean like always leaving their doors open and causing a disturbance at 2 am loud. always in the hallway having friends over loud. right outside my door ofc :(

i left one of them a nice kind note this morning after a long exhausting night of hearing them yap reading:

hi ! could you please take into consideration some of your neighbors. some of us have early classes and would appreciate if the noise level went down after midnight. not hating on yall having fun and chatting but some people would like to get some sleep. (ps i like your candy bowl* that you have its so cool) - thanks!

*one of them put out a valentines candy bowl for ppl passing by. very cute :) i used to like it until now.

very polite very demure not as pissy as i would have liked to be

and now the two girls are throwing a huge fit loudly exclaiming, "i dont care i dont care. its going to be loud, like jeez its a dorm building. and like we have construction* too right outside our windows thats noisy. and like i just dont have anywhere to hang out with my friends so its whatever. i dont care."

*construction is done during the day when everyone is in class. across on the other side of the far wing of the building. it is not done at night in the hallway right outside my door.

anyhoo. they are questioning everyone and doing a stereotypical mean girls posse (but with like just the two of them lmao)

honestly im kinda sick of them at this point being hella loud. and if they did nothing and continued to be loud after getting the note then hey at least i tried yknow. its the fact that they clearly want the drama and camping outside people's doors (yes multiple people throughout the hallway) waiting for them to come out is something else.

anyhoo. yeah.

[celesteleoves]

hey! can you do headcanons on Bakugou and Izuku (separate) with a reader who's quiet and doesn't talk much but is Hella strong. How would they react to it? If you do thanks sm! it's really sweet of you!!!! :)

“SO SWEET, WITH A MEAN STREAK.”

KATSUKI BAKUGOU/IZUKU MIDORIYA x reader.

summary: your quiet strength intrigues these two boys, how would they react to you before/in a relationship?

warnings: none!!

a/n: this is such a cute ask!! i hope this is to your liking and if it isn’t and you think something is missing, let me know! this is also quiet short because i have a fever 😔

—

KATSUKI BAKUGOU —

before dating:

i can imagine him being a little skeptical of you, but so intrigued!

he’d definitely want to see how far your strength could go. so, bakugou would subtly challenge you during training sessions, pushing you to see your true capabilities.

he’d nevee admit it but he looks up to you in a way. you don’t boast and scream about your strength like he does - that makes him respect you. he would start to see your quiet nature as a sign of focus and determination rather than a sign of weakness.

he’s so competitive… it’s honestly a little scary. before you two were even close to being friends or anything more, he’d definitely get a competitive drive when it comes to you.

this idiot would definitely think he’s competing with you 24/7 even though you remind him you are not. he thinks doing this will make you become more outgoing and competitive.

“HA! i finished my bowl of ramen before you, loser, i won!”

“we were competing over that?” i’d be confused if i were you too… he’s a little slow but he’s got the spirit!

dating him:

once you two start dating, bakugou becomes fiercely protective of you, admiring your strength and determination even more. he thinks his role in the relationship is to protect you from anything that might make you lose your strength!

he’s so loud (we know that obviously) but with you, he’s loud in a supportive way. he’s now boasting about you and your strength instead of his own!

he encourages you to continue improving and growing, offering both praise and constructive criticism. even if you don’t need it, he’ll keep doing it anyway.

bakugo has never felt like he had a opponent that could really give him a run for his money, until you two train together.

training with him would be so so sweet. if he hit you too hard, he’d immediately worried if you didn’t tell him you were alright. (he won’t outwardly admit he’s worried about you but you know deep down he is!)

“are you bleeding? you shithead! i’m not worried... are youbleedingthoughbecauseifyouarethat’snotgood-”

“fuck, did i burn you? don’t start. i’m not worried about you at all, tch!” he says this as the tip of his ears are burning from lying…

he’d still work hard while training with you but still making sure he isn’t doing too much during simple sparring matches. he likes to learn from your strengths and weaknesses!

everyday is a day where you two grow together and bakugou is proud of you for simple improvements in your strength (you’re stronger than him lol and he knows you could take him down in a second!)

IZUKU MIDORIYA —

before dating:

Izuku notices your quiet demeanor but senses a strong presence and capability within you. he’d write about your strength and weaknesses in his hero notebook. he’d ask you so much questions (totally not to get to know you better… totally…)

“sorry- i’m not trying to be a bother but can you tell me more about your quirk! it’s so cool and you’re so strong!” he blushes immediately after rambling about how you’re so talented and your strength is admirable. meanwhile, your twirling your hair over the fact he thinks your strong!

one time, you caught him drawing out your hero suit and make little point notes about it. you went to your dorm and giggled about it for the rest of the day. it literally felt like a award to be in his hero notebook!

we all know izuku is his classmates biggest supporter, he is always wanting his classmates to grow alongside him and is pushing everyone to become the best hero they can be!

with you, he offers encouragement and support to you, believing in your potential and wanting you to believe in yourself as well.

because of your quiet nature, izuku might try and show his admiration for you in anyway he can. he admires your quiet determination, seeing it as a reflection of your inner strength and resolve.

basically, he’s your #1 fan!

you two initially work well together as teammates, with Izuku valuing your contributions and skills.

once you two start dating, it’s a whole different story!

dating him:

your relationship deepens Izuku’s admiration for your quiet strength, appreciating how you compliment each other. (everyone is class 1-A is still shocked at how well you two compliment each other, even before you guys were dating!)

izuku becomes a source of emotional support for you, understanding your quiet nature and providing comfort when needed. he never tries to push you outside of your comfort zone, enjoying your quiet times when his day has been stressful and filled with loud classmates.

you two continue to train together, pushing each other to improve and achieve your goals. you always tell him about how you want to grow your relationship by training and working hard together!(izuku almost cries when you tell him that, pls he loves you so much)

izuku and you build a strong foundation of trust and understanding, working towards your dreams together while supporting each other every step of the way.

he enjoys your company more than anyone else, not only are you strong physically but you are strong mentally. your words of encouragement and advice after a tough day of training always make him want to jump off the walls! you have that effect on him!

—

for both boys, whether before or after they start dating you, katsuki and izuku come to deeply appreciate your quiet strength and see it as an integral part of your relationship dynamics!

[pagemasters]

Fantasies He…

BABY’S FIRST FIC!!!

Author’s notes: So after reading so many for years I thought maybe it’s my turn to take a crack at it. There’s I think 3 parts to this, with the first one having basically no smut and mostly platonic fluff between Az and Feyre, but part 3? Can’t say the same thing for the middle Archeron sister lmao

I swear this started out to be one part but the story told me otherwise, part 2 is fully drafted I’m just revising and editing

I’m a very visual person, so enjoy the floor plan of the nursery and a rough sketch of what I think her mural would be and the star! I am a painter if it wasn’t obvious so the whole portion on starfall stars is actually based on how Bob Ross paints his northern lights, just with modifications BUT I haven’t tried it myself for this specific purpose. Also the colour of Feyre and Rhys’s stars are the colours of the first ones that hit them during Starfall btw! I love the platonic relationships between the inner circle and we don’t get enough of it

If you enjoyed it I would love u forever if you let me know!! :)

Ps. Omg dialogue is so difficult to make realistic but also in character, none of that “hey big brother” etc. shit you see in tv shows where you’re like who tf says that to their sibling ?? Ps.ps. I haven’t taken an English writing class for 5 years so if punctuation was wrong let’s pretend it wasn’t LMAO

I CANT FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO AO3 LINK BUT IT’S ON THERE WITH THE SAME USERNAME LOL SORRY

Summary:

Azriel spends the day with Feyre, only to get caught in the rain on the way home. Good thing the townhouse is empty. Or is it…

CHAPTER ONE: DAYDREAMING

The rain finally decided to make its appearance as Azriel stepped out of the River house. Taking a deep breath, he let the soothing scent wash over him as he relaxed his wings. 

The meeting with Rhys was short, just a weekly update on the goings around the other courts and allies, nothing that required the full inner circle to make an appearance. Something he knew after centuries of this work should be a good thing, but it doesn’t stop the pang in his chest at the missed opportunity of seeing her. 

Not that he didn’t try to catch a glimpse of her. He did take a walk through the beautiful home his brother had built for his mate after seeing him, the smell of cedar and masonry long since faded from the construction days; replaced with flowers and candles and the dinner his shadows whispered Nuala and Cerridwen were working on. The scent of paint lingered though, and he discovered the reason why as he got to the residential wing. His High Lady wasn’t in her studio, but he found her nonetheless with a brush in her tattooed hand. 

“I think you missed a spot.” Az said from the doorway, trying to repress his smile at her startled reaction. Even though Feyre and Rhys opted for doorways fashioned with wings in mind, he kept his drawn in tight, not wanting to risk smearing her paint as he stepped inside. 

“Rhys won’t let me use the step ladder without him holding it. And me. And the bump.” Feyre twisted to look up from her spot on the floor and smiled in greeting before lowering the brush to pat her stomach in emphasis. She gave her mate’s antics an affectionate eye roll and shake of her head before releasing a heavy sigh, glancing back at her work. 

“If I remember correctly,” Az teased, “you are prone to falling quite spectacularly.”

She let out an indignat squawk so loud he had to bite his lips to prevent laughing, her body spinning so fast to face him fully that paint ended up splattering from her brush to the white drop cloth. 

Their flying lessons had ceased for the most part since the war, so watching her fly into a tree or eat rocks wasn’t as common an occurrence— but that’s not to say that still doesn’t happen. Knowledge he happens to be privy to not just as her flight teacher, but as the spymaster, something she’s very aware of if the narrowing of her eyes and mouth hanging open are any indication. 

It’s hard not to notice the similarities between the sisters, when even with your eyes closed the cadence of their speech was also similar. But it was never so apparent between youngest and oldest Archeron as when Feyre’s eyes pinned him in place, the expression of mock outrage was so much like Nesta’s it was almost comical. 

“Ruuuude,” she said, drawing the word out in a whine with pouted lips, no doubt remembering the amount of face plants he’d witnessed when she first began to fly. “I see how you treat your High Lady, Shadowsinger. Just wait, it’s not too late for me to paint a little something in your bedroom.”

“And here I thought pouting and grumbling was beneath royalty, at least you can say you’re a tree hugger.”

She gave him a gesture that was certainly beneath royalty, and he didn’t hold back his chuckle this time. 

“What gave you that idea, have you even met Rhys?” 

“Oh trust me, you should’ve seen him when we were kids.” He said, grabbing her hands to help her stand. “He discovered in a book that while bat wings look identical to ours, the anatomy of their wing is labeled similar to that of the hand. So for them, their talons are their thumbs. After that, he took it upon himself to hang upside down in silent protest whenever he was mad, but didn’t want his mother to wash his mouth out with soap for swearing.”

“He did not.”

“Mhmm, until his faced turned purple.”

“And where were you and Cass for all this?” Feyre said through her giggling, a wide grin of unrestrained joy plastered on her face. 

“He couldn’t have done it alone, a thumbs down by yourself would look stupid.”

“Ah yes, because the three of you hanging upside down like overgrown bats isn’t ridiculous.” She cackled, “How long until he gave it up?”

“A few weeks. After Cassian passed out in the middle of camp and we all got broken capillaries on our faces. Still, a better alternative than the awful tasting soap in Illyria.” 

“What, as opposed to other tasting soap?” He just shrugged, smiling. 

Rhys’s mom’s reaction to warriors dragging them across the rocky ground home was as lively in his memory as she was when she berated them when her son fessed up. She was less thrilled to hear the real reason than Devlon was having passed out children strewn about the place, but she never did call them out on the lie they fed to Devlon about it being a dare when he came banging on their door. That night though when they were more lucid, she brought them on foot to one of the mountains surrounding their outpost and stood them at the opening of a cave. He still remembers the eyes he felt on them, the warning bells ringing from his shadows as she gestures her hands out and said, “If you want to act like bats, you can join them; or you can toughen up, learn how and when to pick battles and what hills are worth to dying on. Because there will be more people who will piss you off, but this is not an option when you’re leading armies. So,” her hazel eyes meeting each of theirs, “What will it be? Do you want to stay here or take the soap and fly right on home.” Needless to say they bolted home with the taste of pine tar suds coating their mouths like a film no amount of water could rid them of the taste. He could still feel the eyes of whatever was in that cave the entire way home, but thank the cauldron he could fly at that point. His heart ached at the memory of the female, the one he knew picked a low cave for him to make her point, just in case. The one his shadows caught a few times after that upside down on the couch after a rough day when she thought she was alone. 

As Feyre’s amusement continued with eyes glazed over—no doubt having a silent conversation with Rhys—Az cleared his throat, his shadows pulling back as he gestured to their surroundings and asked, “So how’s the nursery coming along?” 

“It’s going great,” she replied after a moment, her laughter subsiding as she surveyed the mural.  “I know it’s not geographically correct, and that Starfall and the time when our courts insignia’s stars show don’t overlap, but I couldn’t not include them. I want  him and any possible future child to see the night court as I did when I first fell in love with it and their dad.” 

Indeed, while he knew Rhys was already in love with her, he got to watch Feyre love him back as much as he deserved in real time the longer she was here. And the way she captured the land they all loved so much here was… breathtaking. 

On the wall that held the doorway he just stepped through lay the mountain with the moonstone palace atop it. The first place she saw here. They both knew where the doors to Hewn city rest below, but it was covered by the landscape. As if there were no room for nightmares in this room, even if it was a court this babe may one day rule. 

“I have no idea how you made that mountain so realistic,” he said to her in awe, pointing to the painting adjacent to the wall they just looked at. 

“The crib is going to go right below it when the rooms done. I want it to watch over him.” She replied almost reverently as she looked up. 

The mountain was the tallest of the three she painted, and it looked just as it had on his trek up there with his brothers during the rite. Physically it was practically stone for stone, those three stars lines up overhead perfectly, but the energy differed. Instead of the cold and foreboding thing he remembered on the way up, it seemed almost… euphoric? As if the wild joy and love Rhysand, Cassian and he felt as they made their way to the top and won seeped its way onto the painting. Like the unyielding strength from that mountain and what it brought out of them would guide and protect him, just like it did for the three winged dots surrounding the monolith at the tip. How that was even possible was beyond him. 

He could barely tear his gaze away, but snickered as he saw the tiny but recognizable building at the base of it to the right. “The cabin, huh?”

“Of course, gotta prep him for one day kicking all of your asses during your snowball fight.” She added, blushing. “I put few snowballs flying just for good luck.”

Though he knew the other reason the cabin was significant to Feyre and Rhys, the thought of his future nephew joining their game warmed him. But It did make trying not to focus on other non-winged and winged babies that could one day join in the snowball fight impossible. Children have always been an abstract idea, a figment he knew existed but besides Rhys’s sister, he wasn’t around. And after what happened to her… He thought for a long time he would never have one of his own, but that sentiment start to change in recent years. He could avoid it most days though, but being surrounded by the baby stuff made the hypothetical harder to ignore. The thoughts on if he’d have his own little ones propped on his hip and curled into his chest with their chubby cheeks and inquisitive eyes. If they would have his hazel or her golden brown ones, or something different if they adopted. Would their little hands or clothes or hair get caught in the scales of his armour just like hers did when he took her on her first flight to the town house from the House of Wind, when he held her for the first time. Would Elain… Az paused, stopping that train of thought before it just twisted the knife even further, seeing more things he can’t have. 

His shadows began to circle him, and if Feyre noticed she politely didn’t comment on it before pointing out what she was working on when he interrupted her. 

To the right of the cabin and right were she was sat Velaris, and it really did look like a city of starlight with how she painted the glowing nightscape. He could make out the four markets that were the heart of the city, with extra emphasis on where the town house sat along with the new residence they were currently in. Bisecting through it all, the Sidra River looked so realistic he could probably skip a rock across its surface. It flowed like a living thing, reflecting the lights from the buildings on its edge and even the stars above. Two of which weren’t normal stars. 

Above the city proper and even the flat topped mountain that held the House of Wind was the beginnings of starfall. 

“How-“Azriel could barely get out, “how is this even possible?”

“Perks of now being immortal; plenty of time to practice. And having a husband with wings who takes you to get aerial views.” She simply said gesturing to their city, as if she didn’t create magic with swipes of colours. 

“The green one is mine, and the light blue one is Rhys’s. I’m planning to get everyone to add their own star to the wall.” Now looking him, she smirked. “Which means you came at a perfect time, Shadowsinger. Your turn.”

He gave her an unbelieving expression, shadows instantly vanishing. “You can’t be serious.”

Her eyes twinkled with mischief, “if I trust Cassian with a paintbrush, you’ll be fine. He’s coming by in a few days when he gets a free moment, Nesta and her two friends are keeping him busy with training.” Nesta is keeping him busy with more than just that, it’s a wonder he even has energy to train them. 

But looking at Rhysand’s mate, Azriel saw her glow in a way different from her powers. Feyre radiated joy as her hand cradled her stomach despite barely showing, not caring about paint getting on her already splattered clothes. For his brother, for the friend beside him and his nephew in her womb, he removed his jacket and let out a resounding sigh in defeat. “What do you need me to do?” 

So Feyre excitedly brought him over to her pile of paint tubes on the drop cloth. She grabbed the white and as he selected the colour phthalo blue she went off to prep the clean, dry brushes and a fresh palette for him. 

“So pick the area of the sky you want your star to be, I’d like to keep the inner circle’s additions mostly above Velaris, but I’ll add tiny ones fading out once everyone is done. Amren and Mor are away, Cass is busy and who knows if or when Nesta would want to contribute. That means besides Rhys and I, you have the pick of the litter.”

“What about Elain?” He asked, trying to keep his voice and face as neutral as possible when she handed him a 3 inch brush already dipped in his blue. 

“I’ll drag her in here after dinner when she gets in from the garden. The colour of the sky is already dry which is the important part, so there’s no time constraint on when everyone adds theirs besides my due date.” She gave him a knowing smile which he dutifully ignored, along with the disappointment in his chest as she confirmed Elain wasn’t in. “Now I want you to cover a large area of where you generally want the shape of the star to go, it doesn’t have to be perfect but cover much more than you think you’d need to.”

He hesitates, “won’t this cover up your sky? It’s a dark colour.”

“Just trust me.”

He followed her instructions, cringing as his brush made contact with her beautiful wall and went over the faint background stars she had already done, but relaxed when he saw they were still partially visible. 

Az looked back at her, seeing his shadows lazily inspecting them, as if they wanted a part in the activity their master is occupied with. Feyre playfully eyed the curious one that grazed her hand as she took his current brush from his scarred hand to switch it. “Now with this fan brush, I want you to coat it in the white paint. And as you do so, get a feel for how the bristles bend and move.”

Doing as High Lady said, he got her guidance once he brought the loaded brush to the wall, being sure to dab, not swipe the white in a near full coverage circle followed by a line over the shade of blue he had no idea how to pronounce. 

“So this is where the magic begins,” she stated when he finished and passed a third brush over, a flat paddle one identical to the first and this time a cloth. “You see that perfectly clean teardrop you made? You’re gonna ruin it.”

At the alarmed look he gave her, she just cackled. “I knew you’d make that face, Rhys did the exact same. I want you to very lightly swipe the brush starting at the largest end of the teardrop and out towards the tail of the star. That’s the only motion you’ll be doing. And after each swipe you can gently wipe off the brush before starting again. You can also practice the strokes around the mountain until you feel ready like Rhys did, the sky there is also dry.”

With a deep breath, he took a step away and tried it until he felt like he got the technique she wanted down. This was for his family, he reminded himself, he will not let his nephew down. And despite getting her nod of approval, he still felt like he was going in blind as he did what she said and his jaw dropped. 

Well shit. Now he understood why she wanted him to put down the colour he chose first. 

“The blue is actually transparent; so while it looks dark in the tube, it blends out much lighter. Especially with white under or overtop. You’re doing wet-on-wet blending.” What was once just a bright blob over blue so dark you couldn’t see it on her perfect walls, he could now see how the white faded. How the light and the dark mixed until they became one. So Az wiped the excess off his brush, and continued on and on until it looked similar enough to what she and Rhys created. They fell into a rhythm, Feyre handing him back the fan brush to brighten or a new one with bristles so impossibly soft as they worked as a team. She barely had to tell him what to do now, so with next to no pressure he feathered it out vertical rather than the almost horizontal strokes from before, until only a streak of blue light remained. They could’ve been at this for minutes or hours, he had no idea. He didn’t even question her instruction to use a densely bristled tool he could’ve sworn was a toothbrush to flick on watered down white paint for the star trail. 

“This is incredible, Feyre.” He stated, stepping back at last.

“That wasn’t me, that was all you my friend.” She grinned at him. “Once everyone’s is dry, I’m adding a sheer shimmery paint to make them pop, but even without it you did a beautiful job.”

He felt heat rise to his face, and inclined his head in thanks without removing his eyes from the wall. 

“You certainly have an eye for this, Az. Care to quit and become a painter? I could use an assistant.”

A chill went through him, and he started to turn in her direction before the window caught his attention. Dusk must have fallen along with the rain who knows how long ago. About to rub his temples, Feyre squeaked out a warning before he remembered the task at hand and looked down at himself. The plain black long sleeve shirt covered in splatters didn’t matter, he goes through them like water for work but the paint coating his skin made his stomach drop the same way her jest did. Much different than the red he was used to seeing there, all the blood he still couldn’t wash away.

He can paint a picture with his knife, but nothing like Feyre’s ability of creation. Each slash he makes as delicate and precise a dance as any Nesta favours, but instead it’s to a symphony of screams. And unlike Elain… the only soil he sees is grave dirt. If the bodies make it that far. 

His work is never meant to been seen by others, it’s means to and end, a way to protect his family and his court. Unlike their work, where it would be a crime to hide it from the world.

“Tempting offer, Cursebreaker,” Az murmured, swapping the dirty cloth for a damp one his shadows brought him. Paying close attention to his siphons and not his scars, he still didn’t feel clean enough no matter how hard he wiped the paint from his skin. “Sadly, I don’t think your mate would be too thrilled to have to hire someone else to feed the creatures in Hewn City.”

She snorted, making a lighthearted comment about at least no one had to feed Byraxis, for now… The forced tease in her voice didn’t fool him as she realized she must’ve hit a nerve, but he appreciated her effort anyway.

“I do have to head out, but I’ll pop by soon to see the progress when I drop off paperwork.” He told her, his lips pressed to the top of her head and shockingly made contact with her hair in a brief farewell. Rhys must’ve lessened the shield knowing Az was with her, but not by much considering both her and the babe’s scent was still concealed. 

Feyre did invited him to stay for dinner which he politely declined. It wouldn’t be served for an hour, but he needed space and to fly to clear his head—still feeling like if he looked down he’d be dripping blood that didn’t belong to him as he made his was out. He did try not to rush out as he walk through the maze of supplies strewn about the covered floor, keeping his wings high even as his shadows tugged at him, but he had a feeling she knew his reason for leaving. Well, at least the other reason. 

Lightning cracks through the sky, snapping Azriel out of his memories. Damn, He must be more tired than he thought. If breaking one of the cardinal rules of flying—also known as “PAY ATTENTION JACKASS!” by his brothers when they taught him—wasn’t enough, he’s not even going to the right place. Despite not living there for years, he’d been heading towards the town house and not the House of Wind. 

The storm just seems to be picking up, but at least with the downpour he no longer felt the warm spray of blood coating him rather than the paint, he just felt nothing at all. Well, nothing besides wanting to get the fuck home. Az really didn’t have the energy to fly up a mountain or winnowing through this even if it wouldn’t be his first time. But considering how often lightning hits the rocks rather than the surrounding city, crashing at the town house is easiest. It’s for the best, with it sitting empty now. At least he’d be alone. 

Az pauses mid-flight though, when he notices the lights already on inside. And the smoke rising from the chimney only to dissipate in the rain.

What the hell? Who would be dumb enough to break into their high lord and inner circle’s home? It’s not like it’s broadcasted who owns the house but it’s pretty common knowledge after this long. 

At least storms can be a great tool for his field of work, it’s almost a blessing in disguise he plans to use to its full advantage. Landing atop the roof as gently as possible, he ensures his wing beat blends in with the rain like it has hundreds of times before. Using his siphons to unlock the door and slipping inside, the creak of the hinge merely just a gust of wind as he shuts it behind him. 

That’s when the smell of jasmine and honey hits him so strongly he has to bite back his moan. But it seems like he was the only one who did. 

Because mixed within that scent ingrained in his brain, is Elain’s arousal. 

And she’s…

Oh fuck. 

Fuck fuck fuck fuck

[chronosh0t]

“ I listen to everything you say ”

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short drabble based off this tweet

tags: male skk Zenas (my OC) x Lee ; PGR ; alternative universe but still inside the world of pgr ; ascendant Lee, the "young man / other Ascendant" is my OC Arawn.

words: 1.9k

this is very self-indulgent. no beta reader.

if you have any question, feel free to ask me on the box thingie! you can also find me on twt under the same username.

⸺⸺⸺⸺⸺⸺⸺⸺

It ended all wrong. Everything turned out to be wrong.

Zenas doesn't remember where, at what point things decided to turn in the wrong direction and changed the course of his life, of one his teammates life. He could not think of any specific moment, choice, or action that could explain the situation at hand at that exact time, but he knew that there was no way he could've turned back to zero again.

Not even now.

The days in Babylonia started to feel too dull, too dark, even the weather felt extremely gloomy, as if the system wanted to accompany him in his mourning. There was always a silence, that no matter how loud the music was, how many people talked, it was impossible to ignore. The absence was abysmal.

Zenas's mind was spiralling to utter chaos and, if he was truly honest with himself, he wasn't even trying to find a stop. The flashbacks of that day, as if they were purposely hunting him and remind him how much everything has changed, colliding with the knowledge of not being able to do nothing, not back then, not now.

He wanted to just sleep and forget about everything. If he were a Construct he would've already asked for a reboot. To Zenas's own disgrace he was but a mere human, and amnesia wasn't something one could ask and be given. He wished he could give up. However, it was not an option. There were still two girls waiting for him to get better, to be back so they could keep with their mission, for them, and for him. 

Him. The one missing. The one who wouldn't come back no matter how loud and how many times Zenas called him. His name tasted so different. Bitter.

Unknown to Zenas. He was also calling him, missing him, missing his teammates, missing his days in Babylonia. But he knew that, for his Commandant to be safe, it was best if they thought he was dead. And that's how it should've stayed. How it was supposed to be, yet, not quite meant.

Lee spent the days after the incident of the tower, wandering around earth, cleaning some corrupted and trying to help humans in need. He would search for any supplies that could help them go through their situation a bit better, Lee would also stay in some safe zones by providing some protection, all that by keeping a line and not letting any Construct from Babylonia know he was still alive.

After all, he was technically an Ascendant now. Even if he didn't give himself to the virus and became an Agent, he was still a corrupted, someone who Babylonia deemed a danger, something that needed to be ended. The years he spent in the front lines fighting for humanity meant nothing.

But it mattered little. As long as he could keep helping, it was fine. He just needed to make sure to keep his activities hidden and it should be fine. Right? That's how he planned everything, however, not everything goes according to a certain plan. That's why Lee never expected to see him.

Just like any other day, Lee was scanning the surroundings, his gun needed some repair after fighting nonstop some ascendants he did not know about. The task, as difficult as trying to dry out the ocean, was taking too long, he walked for hours, checked dead corrupted and even the weapons those ascendants were using, to no avail.

The sun was setting down. Wandering during the night being not the best option, he opted for finding a suitable place to rest and hide. That's where he found such a place. A greenhouse.

How come there's a greenhouse? Is that even possible considering the environment? Those thoughts filled his M.I.N.D. It was in fair condition, the glasses a bit muddy, but none of them were broken. He could see even a variety of flowers, wild grass growing outside the greenhouse, birds and butterflies flying happily at the sight.

While keeping as quiet as he could, Lee tried to get close and what he saw startled him. Inside, vintage furniture in really good state, teacups and… food? Two shadows suddenly appeared, Lee clutched down, kept that position for a few seconds before straightening a bit and focusing his visual mode on the two people.

Ascendants? Humans?

He could clearly see one of them, although just from the back, he had long white hair, dressed in a… suit? as weird as it looked, that person was wearing quite a fancy suit, and his mannerisms were as delicate as they could be. Maybe that individual used to be from a prominent family. The latter sat down on a sofa, now the other person was visible.

Lee's mechanical heart started to beat too fast. Chaos formed on his M.I.N.D and he could feel how his frame was malfunctioning slightly at the sight. The height matched perfectly, those pretty and unique eyes, with more dark circles that he remembered, that black messy hair with blue tips. Oh, and that mischievous smile, showing his fangs.

It was him. His Commandant. Zenas was standing there, inside that greenhouse, and moreover, he was having a conversation with an Ascendant. His posture was casual, Lee could notice that Zenas was too relaxed, so that only meant one thing: he knew that Ascendant, he knew he wasn't in danger.

In an attempt to deny what he was seeing, he double checked his visual modules and even did a deep scan on his M.I.N.D, just to be sure that it wasn't a trick or some error. As expected, everything was fine. What he saw was happening.

Lee sat down and rested his back on a rock. He needed to calm down. Of course, it was easier to said than to be done, it has been so long since the last time he saw Zenas, he knew himself very well, denying those feelings and the urge to run inside that greenhouse were too much to handle, but he couldn't let his Commandant know he was alive. Or it would oppose a danger not only to him but also to Lucia and Liv. He closed his eyes and tried to think of just that, of how bad it'd be if he dared to show his face. But oh boy, how much he desired to see him up close, to hug him, to…

ㅤㅤㅤ“Don't lose focus.” he said to himself through gritted teeth.

His ear still picked up some noise. If he wanted he could've easily listened to what they were talking but it was none of his business. At least not anymore. So he only opted to hear small hints that would let him know if Zenas left. And after what seemed ages, the glass door opened and a pair of steps started to fade away.

ㅤㅤㅤ“He left already.” a raspy voice came from behind, “You can come out now, Ascendant.” finished, for some reason the tone of his voice carried some kind of annoyance.

Lee stood up and faced the white-haired person. It was a few centimetres taller than him, up close he could see his eyes didn't match in colour, one was of a dark green and the other was black. He talked and moved with delicacy. Nonetheless, this young man was still an Ascendant, so why did he sound so annoyed? Could it be..?

ㅤㅤㅤ“Why were you hiding here?” he asked, his face was stoic, no sign of emotion, then added, “You are… Lee, right?”

That question left Lee speechless. Did he know who he was? Does that mean, as he thought of, Zenas knew this Ascendant was some sort of friend? He was at loss for words. The silence was enough response for the man in front of him.

ㅤㅤㅤ“Zenas used to talk a lot about you” mencione casually, at the same time he did a gesture with his hand, as if telling Lee to get inside the greenhouse so they could talk. So he did.

After the two of them walked in, the door closed. The young man talked again. “You look slightly different from what he told me, but the overall essence is there. How did he call you?” he pondered to himself while serving tea. “Ah, right, he used to refer to you as his ‘soon-to-be boyfriend’, I remember now.”

His… boyfriend. It sounded pretty, it sounded right. Lee was not aware of it, but a smile took shape, the boy who was looking at him let out a sigh. If there was a mirror, Lee would've probably be shocked now, the warmth inside his body was perfectly visible on his face, that shy smile was still there and there was so much fondness in his eyes.

ㅤㅤㅤ“You can just tell him. He would go with you.”

That line brought Lee back to reality. Now his eyes were locked on the young man's. If he was honest, he wanted to ask what kind of relationship the two of them has but right now there was something more important to clarify.

ㅤㅤㅤ“He is not allowed to know I'm alive. It would out him in a lot of risk” Lee said firmly.

ㅤㅤㅤ“But he—”

ㅤㅤㅤ“I know he…” there was a pause, the words were stuck on his throat, swallowing seemed like a hard task now, “I know he would follow me, but it's precisely because of that reason that he mustn't know about my actual situation.”

The young man, again, sighed heavily. “I never understood him, and now I don't understand you either. It's clear that both of you share the same feelings for the other, so why not make it easy and just be honest?” he took a sir, crossed his leg and grabbed one of the teacup, “What are you scared of? He is a very strong and capable human, and trust me, he is not fond of the human side of his. He would gladly give up that just to stay with you.” finished his sentence and took a sip. Lee could smell it, it was a strong black tea, the same Zenas would usually drink.

Lee grasped his gun with so much strength it started to break, that statement was enough to make him angry. Funny enough that anger was directly at himself, for feeling slightly happy at hearing that, at the fact that Zenas felt the same way he did.

ㅤㅤㅤ“No.” Lee replied, the anger did not subdued. “If you know what I feel, then you should know that I would never do something that'd put him in danger. So I suggest you keep your mouth shut and keep this conversation hidden from him.”

The next few seconds were filled with silence, not far away the sound of birds could be heard. The tension was so palpable, anyone who dared to enter that greenhouse would've been able to feel it, even cut it with scissors. The Ascendant took a few more sips from the cup, placed it back on the table and stood up again, walked straight to Lee and stopped two steps away.

ㅤㅤㅤ“You would do anything he ordered you, right? That's how loyal you are.

ㅤㅤㅤ“Yes.” he answered.

ㅤㅤㅤ“If he asked you to kill yourself, would you do it?” the man questioned him again, his eyes showing not a single ounce of emotion.

ㅤㅤㅤ“Yes.” dry, sure of himself. That was Lee's answer.

The Ascendants let out a chuckle. It seemed that he was not expecting such loyalty. And there was not a single second where the man thought Lee was lying, what made it even more surprising.

ㅤㅤㅤ“What a duo of insane people.”

⸺⸺⸺⸺⸺⸺⸺⸺⸺⸺⸺⸺⸺⸺⸺⸺⸺

🦋 and that's it. i hope it was good enough.

🦋 if you reaches this far, thank you for reading.

[indecisivemuch]

Time wasn't in our favor - Part 3

Pairing: TASM Peter Parker (Andrew Garfield) x Female!Reader

Summary: What if...your soulmate is from another universe but you didn't know? Soulmate AU. Set during NWH, fluff.

Note: So...ended up making part 3 before the two endings. Also, I apologize for the long wait. I went from "University makes me want to die" to writers block, so that was not great.

Word count: 1.5k

Series Masterlist: Prologue, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Happy Ending, Sad Ending.

"Any closer to finding out who that is?" MJ asked, gesturing to the photo booth pictures in front of Y/N as she slid Y/N her favorite doughnut.

It has been a week after the incident - the day that Y/N found herself crying near the Statue of Liberty out in the middle of nowhere; the day that she, Ned and MJ sported several injuries for no apparent reason; the day that her life felt oddly empty, as if it was missing something essential; the day that her tattoo turned red, yet she had no recollection of how or when it did.

"No...and I don't know who I kissed either. Was I that drunk? Did we sneak into some college party and drink to the point we blacked out?" Y/N theoreticized. Ned, who sat next to her, patted her back in empathy, "It's okay...you'll figure it out." Y/N stared down at her photo again, ignoring the sound of the store's doorbell ringing.

"Hi, anything I can get for you?" MJ asked the customer while Y/N racked her brain for possible explanations. It was clear that she was intimate with this stranger. She scowled at herself, flipping the photo around.

I don't even know anybody with the initial "P.P.", mayb-

"Hi, I'm Peter Parker and-" Y/N snapped her head at the boy, but her excitement died as soon as it came.

He was not the boy in her photo.

-----------------------

"Okay so...crying....down there," she muttered to herself, as if it would help. It was crazy that she was standing up here, but something about it felt compelling enough. Currently, Y/N was standing on the scaffolding next to the Statue of Liberty, peering down at the spot she was previously crying at. Y/N scrunched her eyes as she leaned a little outwards to look at the shield. Upon seeing what looked like blood, her foot instinctively took a step forward to get a better look, though her hand clinging onto a pipe to ensure she was being somewhat safe. 

Against her calculation, the already leaning section of the scaffolding let out a loud sound before rapidly crumbling down. As she tipped along with the construction falling outwards, her hands automatically wrapped around the pipe they were already clinging to. A scream left her lips as she could feel gravity pulling her downwards. 

The scaffolding stopped. 

It didn’t completely fall apart. Instead, it was hanging her outwards with a chance of falling to her death. The adrenaline pumped as she could feel her heartbeat tripling its speed. It was foolish, but Y/N looked down and shut her eyes immediately after. She knew it was high up, but seeing no ground touching her feet made her panic even more. Upon opening her eyes, Y/N’s mind tugged at an idea as she spotted the level below her that looked somewhat stable enough.

It was risky, but at that point, what other choice does she have? With all her might, Y/N swung herself forward and landed in the level below. Her body fully collided with the metal ground, hitting the air out of her. The impact definitely left a bruise.

It was moments of silence, before Y/N felt tears emerging and free falling down her cheeks. It had only sunken in now how it felt almost too familiar hanging like that. Y/N slowly sat up as she registered what just happened. Using her hand and wrist, she wiped away the tears and covered her eyes, ignoring the sting on her soul mark as soon as it made contact with her tears. She sniffed before removing her hand from her eyes. However, the girl was caught off-guard upon seeing yellow sparks on her hands and wrist. They illuminated, shining brighter and brighter. Slowly, they multiplied before rising from her hand and floating around her. Y/N stood up in shock, unable to utter a word as she glanced at the floating sparks around her. 

Before she knew it, they all evaporated.

“After you save my New York City.”

Y/N gasped as she turned around to the source of the voice, only to see sparks shaping like a human being - the shape of her. Opposite to it was a spark version of the guy from her photo. He was hung upside down, wearing a spiderman suit which made Y/N mouth fall slightly open. Both of them evaporated again.

Then her world was sent into a whirl.

Y/N turned around as she heard another voice. This time she saw the two in a lab sitting next to each other. Her ears started buzzing as noises of mutters from different conversations took over. Meanwhile, the sparks multiplied again, jumping everywhere and displaying different moments between her and the stranger. 

“I think you need it more than me,” she spun around again, seeing herself holding a dandelion while the guy peered down at her. Y/N stumbled slightly as she tried to take a look at every little scene, feeling overwhelmed as more conversations popped up. Then she heard a scream, which made her look in that direction.

“No!” she shouted, hands reaching outwards as she saw the spark version of herself fall from the scaffolding. Y/N ran forward and towards the fence, peering down at a reflection of herself. What surprised her was a figure that dove from above her, his sparkled form shooting straight forward at her falling spark-figure. 

Both her hands covered her mouth as Y/N watched the scene unfold. As soon as the figures’ fingers touched, a breath of relief left her mouth before the memories came colliding inside her brain, knocking her backward and onto her knees as the sparkles all gathered around her.

It felt like a hurricane as the memories flooded back - the moment she met him, the moments they spent together, including the moment he left her. She remembered it all. She remembered crying as she clung onto the sparks that slowly evaporated as he returned to his universe. 

However, she never noticed until now how some of the sparks clung to her and stayed behind. It sunk into her while she cried and mourned for a love she never had the chance to explore, before her memories of him were pulled. 

--------------------

“Doctor Strange. Please.”

“You were never meant to remember in the first place.”

“Do you know how it feels to be away from your soulmate? Knowing you may potentially never see them again? It hurts, Doctor Strange. Please,” he somehow halted at this, causing Y/N to abruptly stop behind him as well. She watched as he turned around to look at her. She could see the battle that was going on in his mind as he contemplated her wish.

“Fine. One visit.”

“Thank you,” she breathed out in relief.

A couple of grumbles escaped from the man. Even though she couldn't hear, Y/N knew they were complaints about her. Doctor Strange settled his coffee mug onto a table before turning back to the girl. With ease, the man opened up a portal. The sight was similar to the alleyway she saw Peter Parker enter from, but it was daylight instead.

“Thank you so much, Dr Strange,” the girl repeated once again as she walked out of the portal that the man had just conjured up for her.

“Avoid yourself in this universe and don’t cause any trouble, alright?” Dr Strange lectured sternly, knowing that his actions were wrong and could potentially cause a multiverse problem. But he empathized with the girl. A part of him did it because he knew how it felt to not be with your soulmate. Despite the unbothered exterior he had set up, his heart ached every morning as he put on the watch that his soulmate had gifted him while they were still together. His eyes glanced down at his soul mark, which was covered by the pre-mentioned watch, except it was cracked. Then he looked back at the girl again.

“Come back in two hours, yeah?” though his voice made the question come out as more of a command than anything. But the girl knew it was all with good intentions, so she nodded and watched as the man closed the magic portal.

The girl ran through the portal without any hesitation, jumping slightly when she saw it closed straight away. Cautiously exiting the alley, the girl gulped as she realized how reckless she was being - entering another universe with no plan beforehand. How was she going to find Peter?

---------------

Series Masterlist: Prologue, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Happy Ending, Sad Ending.

[aviegoescrayz]

"here"

Sturniolo triplets X reader

SUMMARY: a time in which the triplets are away in Boston, leaving you alone and bored in your single apartment back in LA.

A/N * please lmk if this is terrible .. this will be my first EVERRRR time publishing my writing on the Internet. I've posted back in my Wattpad days during covid.. we don't talk ab that don't ask me 😭 PLEASE GIVE ME TIPS OR CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM I NEEEEED IT BAD. This is also all from one pov lmk if you like just one pov or would like more character povs 🧐🧐 LOWERCASE INTENDED !! ANYWAYS ENOUGH WAFFLING !!!

*PROOFREAD*

*the phone rings three times before the brunette boy on the other side of the state finally answers*

"hello?" his voice is slightly husky, almost tired sounding.

you let out a short sigh, unaware you were holding your breath and speak out a small "hi matt" with a wide smile on your face.

"y/n what are you doing awake, it's like what?" there was a small pause that posed as him thinking "almost midnight?" he finished.

you don't answer for a second due to you lifting your phone from your ear, checking the time that reads *11:56*

"oh" is all you can muster up for a second, before remembering where matt is. "wait... but matt it's literally 3 AM in Boston, why are 𝘺𝘰𝘶 awake?" you ask with a bit of sass laced throughout your words.

you can almost see the cocky expression on the boy's face when he retorts, bearing a nearly equal amount of sass within his speech "uh I'm allowed to be, you on the other hand, are not."

your face twists up with confusion, why would I not be allowed to be up? "what are you on about? why can't I be up?" you reply.

"you have work tomorrow kid" he responds in a matter-of-faclty kind of way that makes you laugh in realization. "OH! -- oh yeah!" you say between little giggles.

"it's just so boring without you guys here!" you reply to yourself. "I've been stuck in my house cleaning for christ sake" you finish, dragging out the vowels in your seventh spoken word.

matt just laughs in response, this causes you to smile to yourself before spitting out a quick "what!" all you hear from the other end of the call is a slight rustling, then footsteps, then a door opening?

you sit and wait for him to respond, a bit confused, but all confusion is wiped from your mind when matt mumbles a sentence, "say hi to y/n nick"

you sit up in your bed excited to hear from another one of your favorite boys. "hi y/n/n!" Nick almost immediately responds before a low "matt just give me phone" matt must've complied because now you were hearing nicks voice instead of the previous boys.

"hi Nick! wha'dya doing?" You say giddy to hear from him. he laughs and you hear a bit of rustling before he replied, "oh nothing right now, but can I tell you about what we did earlier?" he sounded just as equally excited to talk to you.

you both went on and on about the Boston aquarium, and the penguins and Matt's "stupid turtle hat" Nick said. all for about fifteen minutes before you heard nicks door being swung open, and loud running feet came towards nicks direction.

you heard a bit of incoherent mumbling before Nick sighed and said "y/n, Chris says it's his turn to talk to you, so I gotta go. but I'll definitely text you later okay?" you bid him goodbye and Chris started up a new conversation about his annoyance with fortnite at the moment. "the star wars packs have been in the item shop for I dont even know how long, like forever I guess. but I can't get the fucking Don Toliver emote anymore? this shits crazy."

you listened to him rant about this season and how it's apparently "trash" (?) for about 20 minutes before he asks "do you want matt back? he came in here wanting to know if u wanted to talk to him yet"

you smiled at the somewhat cute gesture and after a few seconds of thinking you replied back with a "if your done talking shit about this game then yeah, pass me back please" Chris just laughed and you heard a "here" it sounded kind of far away as if he had the phone streched with his arm, handing it back to matt.

"okay I'm back now, hope your not bored anymore 'cuz you need to go to sleep now." Matt's voice seeped through your speakers in your phone as he spoke. all you did was groan and flop back on your bed, you're sure he heard it because he laughed and said "c'mon y/n get to bed, it's so late."

"Matt I'll be fine just-" you were cut off by Matt's voice, once again, telling you to go to sleep. once you finally let up and told him you'd go to bed he responded with a proud "good, you're gonna thank me in the morning I promise"

you both bid your good nights, and the phone was handed to both of the two other triplets for a few seconds each to also wish each other goodnight.

after the call ended you were feeling happier than you have the whole week they'd been in Boston. You got yourself ready for bed, brushing your teeth, washing your face, and changing into more sleep appropriate attire before crawling back into the same sheets you've been tirelessly tossing around in for days, finally falling asleep, happy and content.

A/N * ERM guys what the fart just happened. I feel so strange posting this 😭 please lmk if you have any recommendations for my writing or even future fics 🫡🫡 anyways, bye crayzies 💜💜

[quartzhearted]

[ 𝐥𝐨𝐮𝐝 ] : ( sorry dad )

"You always—" He pinches the bridge of his nose, "always do this!"

Diamant continues to pace in front of the war table, and it's a wonder his armor hasn't worn scuffs into the floor by now. The councilmen and army generals were long gone, off to their respective duties, leaving the perfect venue to vent his frustrations to Father...

But was it a proper vent when the listener was also the subject?

"You've been there for each briefing. You know the Elusians have been gathering their forces, that there are rumblings of something sinister..."

He stops, firmly slamming his palm onto the table, "How many times have you been advised to stay in the castle!? Pegasi? Wyverns? They have fliers! Magic! Our aerial offenses aren't up to snuff! Are you TRYING to get shot?"

diamant roils like a volcano in the empty war room, streaks of red hair like flying sparks against the waning lantern lights. conversely, morion keeps to his place at the head of the table, arms crossed. were someone to come in, they would assume diamant the king (or at least a bulky advisor) and morion the worryingly wrinkly-looking princeling. this is troubling.

morion is not one to rage at his family. loud and explosive as he is, dragons forbid he ever raise his voice beyond necessary at his boys. this does not, however, stop him from keeping a stern and steady posture against diamant's anxious aggression; he is king morion of brodia, and this is a war room. there are some things he needs to set aside for this conversation to happen.

"diamant," pierces morion once a pause comes in diamant's pressure. "you're gonna fix that tone, first and foremost. i'm not about to ignore that you're worried, but i won't have you speaking to me like that."

in fact, he rises. he's sat through not only this, but the onslaught from his war strategists and generals during the strategy session. all speaking to him as though he were stupid. a liability. he kept himself on-topic for as long as he could, but he's sick to bastard death of being treated like he's younger and more inexperienced than he is! he keeps his hands firm against the tabletop but throws a glare that could shake the ground beneath their feet.

"i'm not stupid, and i'm not running around without a care in the world," he grits, voice a warning. "have you forgotten that i carry a tomahawk around? it ain't like i'm skipping around defenseless!" his hands fly up in momentary exasperation. "and more to the point; i am king, diamant, and with that comes responsibility and risk. i'm overseeing ballista construction, i'm sending out search parties to investigate the forts on the outer rungs of the castle. what the hell do you think i'm doin' all day?"

with an air of finality, morion steps to the side and shoves his chair in. "i get what you're trying to do, diamant, but you've got to rein it in! you ain't the only person tellin' me off like i'm five here---i've got all my advisors up my ass about it, too!" the irony of this acknowledgement is not lost on him, but he chooses not to focus on that. "i'll keep doing what i'm doing because it's for the sake of all brodians, not just mine. and if you wanna talk about the issues you've got with that, then do it respectfully."

morion grabs his personal lamp from its place on the wall and opens the door to the hall. he should probably go cool off before they turn down 'pointless arguing' territory.

"good night," morion gruffs, shutting the door.

[never-not-ever]

Day Two

I wish I wrote about the meeting right away because (broken record) I can't remember it all, seems so fuzzy, which has become my new favorite word regarding my memory apparently.

Way too much nonsense ahead so putting it under the cut. And I'm way too tired to reread all this so please excuse any errors 🙃.

I ended up putting ear plugs in around change of shift cause my room is right next to two areas where teams meet with people and the constant opening of the doors and people talking is so loud. There's a sign on my door that says to leave the door cracked after checks. I'm not sure if my roommate put it there or the patients before her but I'm not about to ask her if we can shut the door cause I don't want her to say yes if she really wants it open. Like I don't want her to feel like she has to say okay. And honestly once I have the ear plugs in it's really not that bad.

It's funny I used to prefer the room to be in total darkness. Like blinds shut, door shut, even the blurry window I'd cover up with dark construction paper to dim the light coming through but now it's all the opposite and I'm okay with it. Probably cause at home I got so used to falling asleep with all the lights on, out of sheer laziness/having no energy to get up once I started to get tired.... why am I rambling about this??????

Moving on. My doctor woke me up this morning and I was confused cause the ear plugs I couldn't really hear her. I thought she was waiting for me but when I went out the room was empty. So I went back to bed but she came back soon after and then I met with the both of them.

We talked a lot about self harm and SI. Asked me if I want to get better, why I came back, what I'm looking to get out of this, goals, etc. She made comments about my Nana needing to come in for a meeting so we can all discuss how serious all this is especially the self harm since it's moved to my chest. Which the medical doctor asked to take pictures to add it to my chart (nothing out of the normal) but I'm guessing my doctor saw them. And like it's really not that big of a deal. I started self harming there during my last admission. It actually was the last time I self harmed that admission and then it stopped for like 5-6 weeks as I was working hard for discharge.

My doctor was talking about how she thinks I really need to do the intense DBT residential program here that's all private pay. Saying how my Nana should think about remortgaging the house, how it's going to be the thing that saves me. Like that program is so fucking expensive and maybe it's worth it but like I don't know if my Nana would even consider that. Then again she respects and likes my doctor and I feel like she would do anything my doctor thinks is best for me.

But I don't know if I could handle the guilt knowing how much she's dishing out. And this is the same program that told me I needed to wait 6 months and be "stable" before reapplying to their IOP program which helloooo is also out of pocket but it's 10% the amount of the residential program and it's 6 months instead of 60 days.

My doctor also mentioned the partial program here (covered by insurance) and how they'd take me again. So honestly I'd rather go that route. Do the partial program and then get acquainted with my PACT team.

Another big topic of the meeting was how I never got a job. No wonder things never got better, not wonder I got worse (which arguably I feel like things were a lot worse a month ago, hence the "why am I here/I made a mistake" but also the increased urges cause things aren't "bad enough/valid enough").

Okay I think I'm done with the meeting.

But because of said meeting SI and self harm urges just increased after that. I tried to go back to bed and my doctor walked by my room and was like "so are we just going to sleep the rest of the day away".

I went to the 11 group. Couldn't focus on a word of it. Ate my egg bites from Dunkin and took a nap before my Nana came at 2.

I felt bad that I wasn't really looking forward to my Nana coming and would have told her to not come but she was bringing some stuff. It wasn't her specifically just not having any energy or to put on a face. She brought me my new Nalgene bottle I ordered and my Dunkin cold brew packets from home so I'm going to try to make my own coffee here.

After she left I placed a small order of groceries. Coffee creamer, diet Birch Beer, Starbucks Pink Drinks, yogurt, frozen strawberries, granola, Morningstar Farms bbq "ribs" (my new addiction), corn, chapstick... I think that's it. I tried napping while waiting for the delivery.

My stuff came, staff went through it. Put my granola in the patient snack cabinet cause the bag was too big but I literally have the same sized bag of other snacks in my room, like all counselors have different versions of what's "too big" it's annoying but also not the end of the world.

So I made dinner, sat and talked to a friend which is always so nice to catch up. And we now follow each other on here, lol, hi if you're reading this 🙃.

Then I had a check in with my nurse and honestly I wasn't looking forward to it and was just going to do safety questions and not actually talk but he ended up being really understanding and validating and it was a nice check in.

I made a plan with him to keep busy and out of my head which is the worst place for me lately because urges are just getting worse the longer I go without. So I colored with my friend from earlier. Then tried to type up the rest of my Day One post. Then played Ticket to Ride with said friend and another lady who we've all been here since last year, well except me and my 3.5 month break lol.

It's a weird bittersweet thing to have those two. Like it's nice having familiar faces especially people who I was close with before but obviously I wish this wasn't the place where we were catching up.

That brings me up to date. I think. Oh well.

[artistic-mathematics]

my 2am analysis on Dwangela

okay I really don’t know why I decided to write a canon compliant Dwangela fic spanning the entire show like

I don’t even know how I’m gonna begin to write season 4′s stuff. like every time I even think about it I just want to vomit bc HIGHKEY if Dwight had just fed Sprinkles the medicine Angela told him to they probably would’ve gotten married in season 4 and all would’ve been fine but nope it took them eight whole seasons to even get engaged afterwards and then we got almost 0 content of them actually being in a healthy relationship again and it’s just like 3u5irefwngkjej54

this all stemmed from the fact that I genuinely think to this day, Dwangela is still misunderstood by the majority of the community. actually, Angela as a character is still misunderstood, which is crazy considering that this show ended over a decade ago and my first watch was like two months ago.

before anyone says anything YES, Angela was still a horrible person and I don’t really think I need to cite why, but I do think her motivations and eventual progression arc are just completely slept on (and also, season 9 finale Angela is a much, much better person than she was during the rest of the show).

I think the biggest thing I’ve seen from people is like “why did Angela end up with Dwight?” and they just tend to forget that Angela went through an entire character arc in literally just the last half of season 9. would it have been better if the show actually like shown more of it? absolutely. but it’s pretty obvious that Angela from S9E20: Paper Airplane is a completely different Angela from S9E22: A.A.R.M. is she still the greatest person? oh absolutely not, but I do think that her actions in this last half (starting from S9E16: Moving On) show enough growth and maturation that she deserved her own happy ending with Dwight.

(ALSO YES, IT’S A HAPPY ENDING. people who say that Angela is going to cheat on Dwight clearly misunderstood this entire plot line. I’ll get to that later.)

she hits rock bottom in S9E21: Livin’ the Dream and even then we can see a huge difference between this episode and S9E20. in the previous episode, she refused to accept help from Dwight (and by extension, Esther), but in this episode not only does she try to go out of her way to help Andy but she also accepts help from Oscar and actively reaches out for his hand, something that she’d deadass refused to do since season 3 when he was outed as gay. by accepting she needs help and then finally, FINALLY admitting out loud that she loves Dwight (something that she pretty much skirted around when possible, even back in seasons 4-5), she’s shown that she’s finally letting down the walls that she’d constructed for years and years. she’s finally letting herself be vulnerable, and that shit takes strength, especially from someone who’d spent so many years letting pride dictate her life and practically pretended to live a life that wasn’t hers just to save face.

(yes, she did it because she hit rock bottom. but then again, she literally didn’t even have to do that. she could’ve just kept digging a deeper hole for herself anyway, blaming Oscar and the state senator and still refusing to admit anything. would it have helped her? no lol, but at least she was able to analyze and recognize that her own actions were her downfall instead of continuing blaming others for her issues, which she had no problem doing throughout the show.)

another thing I’ve noticed is that people were like “she continued lying to Dwight about Phillip” and I’ma be real with you, I think that lie is the most ethical lie she told throughout the entire series.

let me explain.

actually, let Angela explain, because she outright explains this during Dwight’s proposal that she wanted him to marry her because it was her he wanted to marry. I don’t think this was selfish at all. sure, she probably should’ve told him -- lying about it is still shitty -- but what does she even gain from lying about it? she literally gains absolutely nothing here. she already admitted to Oscar (and by extension, herself) that she loves Dwight. if Dwight were to propose to her because of Phillip, there’s no world where she’d be unhappy in that relationship since she knows she loves Dwight.

but she doesn’t know if Dwight still loves her (yeah, they did make out like five episodes ago BUT remember he’s in a committed relationship now) -- and she was literally just in a loveless marriage. she was also in a loveless engagement, with Andy (and oh my god I might make a post about this at some point but I HAVE SO MANY GRIPES OVER THIS ENGAGEMENT. not at the writers, but just like how did this even??? like?????).

in S9E21, she makes it very clear that she’s accepted that Dwight and Esther are a thing. S9E22 happens some time afterwards (around a month or so according to Dunderpedia) and it’s probably long enough for Angela to realize that it’s genuinely serious, and I mean. just look at Dwight in that episode. he looks so happy.

when Dwight calls Angela into his office to propose that business marriage, I think all of these things came to her mind -- and let’s be honest, the last time they tried to make some business out of something that clearly should be romantic (cough cough sex contract cough cough) it, uh, didn’t go well. and so she lies. she tells him that Phillip isn’t his son, and that lie was enough. it sent his emotions into turmoil, enough so that he ends up calling Jim in and talking to him about it makes him snap to his senses -- that he still loves Angela, and now that Angela is actually available again he needs to go for it.

and of course Angela accepts. you can see her anger from Dwight almost running her off the road completely ebb away when Dwight yells “I love you!” she pauses and processes.

oh also for the people who think that marriage is terrible and that Angela is just gonna cheat on Dwight? the entire point of Dwangela was that Angela couldn’t commit to any of her other romantic relationships because she still loved Dwight. from seasons 2 through 9 she was still very much in love with Dwight, and only cheated on people with Dwight.

also I don’t think Dwight ever stopped loving Angela, either. I mean like, he seemed to really like Isabel and went through an entire talking head where he compared Isabel and Angela to each other but as Jim said to Dwight in S9E21, “you just have to forget about all the logic and fear and doubt” -- and the thing is, I don’t think love ever made sense to Dwight after he broke up with Angela in season 5. it also makes sense as to why Dwight broke up with Isabel so brutally as a result, treating her like absolute garbage the day of Pam and Jim’s wedding.

also I think people forget that like, Dwight was very in on the cheating??? Angela knew she was engaged to Andy in season 5 and knew she was engaged (and eventually married) to the state senator in season 8, like he obviously was a part of this too lmao? and there was a whole episode where people shat on Michael for dating a woman who had a husband and how he was a horrible person LIKE. he knew she was in a relationship and still chose to do what he did. I’m not saying that it’s his fault entirely bc it’s still like 95% Angela’s fault but Dwight buddy, come on, idk what you expected

anyway I go sleep now I just had to get this out before I passed out lol

[adashoflavendermelancholy]

Best and Worst Night

The party is loud and there is music everywhere. People dancing and rubbing against each other. It was more than enough to blur the world around them.

“Hey, your costume is amazing.” A man said, sliding up to them.

Izou smiled at the man. It wasn’t every day that they got a compliment on their yukoina costume. Then again, being a Japanese snow woman wasn’t thinking they regularly dress as. “Thank you. Your pirate costume is nice, too.” They said.

The man smiled. “Can I get you a drink?”

Izou knew this was coming. After all, they weren’t stupid. “I’m still working on mine. But I think the fairy over there could use a new one.” Izou said, pointing to a fairy and looking around.

The man looked over, then back to Izou. “I think I would rather stay here.”

Izou frowned a little. “You can stay, but I’m not looking for anything.”

“Well, tell me about you then. What do you do for a living?”

Izou hummed. It wasn’t like this guy could beat them. Fighting on a pirate crew made that harder than some random could do. Still, it wasn’t wise to stay around and wait for a fight to start. Slamming their drink, “I’m going to go get a drink.” Izou said, walking away. Hoping the crowd would separate them.

“I’ll go with you.” The guy said, getting closer to Izou. “You know I work in construction here. It’s hard work, that’s why I’m so big.”

Now this was getting annoying. It was cute at first. Izou was even flattered. But following them around the party was too much. Izou was just about to turn around and get them to back down with a few choice words. “Izou! how’s it going?” Thatch asks, sliding between the guy and Izou. Izou felt the pressure ease off their shoulders a bit. They weren’t alone anymore.

“Excuse me!” The creep yells. Not that Izou cares much.

Thatch turns, glaring down at the little man. “Sorry pal. We’re busy,” then turns back to Izou. “I was thinking about the next party we have. Do you think the other will get a kick out of tiny Moby ships?” Thatch said, smiling again. He held up the tiny jelly eyeball.

Izou looked at the small treat and laughed. “They would love it and you know it.” Izou said, knowing the other really wanted to ask that.

Thatch smiled. “I know they would love it, but would they laugh and eat it? You know how some of the crew is. They get all sentimental and might try to keep it.” That image had Izou stopping. Imagining old jelly Moby’s in everyone’s room was gross.

Knowing the crew, at least Pops would want to keep him. Izou shuttered a little. “You have a point-“

A hand grabbed Izou’s arm. The guy from earlier looked at him with a kicked puppy dog eyes. “We were talking!” He whined. Like that would make Izou want to talk to him more.

Izou could see the smile dropping from Thatch’s face. Not something that you want to see. He was one of the most jovial men on their crew. Always happy to hear out what others had to say. Even smiling during fights when they were doing well. It was when the smile dropped things got a little scary. A reminder that Thatch wasn’t just a whitebeard pirate. He was a commander and was more than strong enough to prove it. “I’m not interested.” Izou said, pulling their arm back.

Grabbing Thatch’s arm, Izou tried to pull them away. Hoping to stop this before anything more could happen. It was a party, not a fight. Pops would be annoyed if they started something now, of all times. But the guy wouldn’t take no as an answer. “What? Just because he showed up?” The creep asked, pushing Thatch a little.

“Dude.” Thatch said, sounding less like his usual self. Not that Izou could blame him. They were also getting tired of this.

Izou sighed, “I’m not instead of you. Go away.”

The creep opened his mouth, but Thatch was once again between them. His broad back keeping Izou from view. It was silly to think it was bigger than normal. They were about the same height, after all. But it still gave off a sense of protection. “You got your answer. I would walk away.” Thatch said.

“Or what? What are you going to do?” The creep said.

Thatch laughed, “I’m not going to do anything. Izou, on the other hand, might blow off your dick with their gun. Then you’ll be as dickless as you are now, so I guess that’s not bad.” It was the wrong thing to say. As the creep punched Thatch. Though Thatch barely moved at the punch. Only smiling back at him reared back and hit him back. The creep fell to the ground, knocked out.

“You just had to punch him.” Izou muttered, shaking their head. Though they weren’t really feeling all that upset by this.

Thatch huffed, then gave Izou puppy dog eyes. Ones that were more affective than the creeps. “You won’t tell pops on me, will you?” Thatch asked.

Izou smirked. “I don’t know… Man I’m hungry for-“

“-You don’t have to blackmail me every time you want that dish. You could just ask.” Thatch laughed. Izou knew that, everyone on the ship knew that. However, Thatch knew pops wouldn’t be mad at him for knocking a creep out. Izou could have done what he said and pops would be on their side.

“That’s not as much fun,” Izou answered with a smirk. Making Thatch laugh so hard, he had to stop walking. Izou didn’t mind, though. Not when they got to see Thatch smiling and laughing.

Thatch looked up and hugged the other. “Let’s go figure out how to make cute snacks that the crew won’t try to keep.” He said, leading them back to the ship. Izou laughed, but was already thinking about it. It might not be such a bad party after all, even if they leave early.

[peterjakes]

Katniss x Peeta - 'you drew stars around my scars'

Katniss's feelings are bubbling and she knows she can't keep them to herself. But the idea of laying herself bare to Peeta is almost too much for her to handle. Little does she know, Peeta's feelings are present too and they won't be hidden forever.

I actually really like this one - which is the first time I've ever admitted that I think haha! a little shorter but tbh, I think that works

I'm enjoying the vulnerability between the two, and how they're tiptoeing around each other!

I'm thinking about writing something more Peeta-centric next but who knows when that will be - I will try to actually write it in the next month!

thanks as ever for reading x

also posted on ao3;

It had been a few weeks since Katniss had seen Peeta properly. Things in District 12 have gotten so busy, and Peeta had wanted to be a part of that. There had been several council meetings about the plans, Peeta had even hosted some of them. Katniss would watch several different important people leave his house but didn’t dare visit Peeta during those times. She imagined they tired him out. 

Katniss on the other hand couldn’t think of anything worse and had spent her days hunting and bothering Haymitch whenever he was awake, which was more than Katniss had expected. Since their unspoken agreement of Peeta staying the night, Katniss hadn’t spent another night alone. She was grateful, extremely grateful for Peeta staying true to his word. Some day they would only share their supper together and end up sprawled in Katniss’ bed. Other times they would spend their whole day together, Peeta would bake, whilst Katniss would watch. Katniss would search her brain for the things she wanted to remember about the people she had once known, whilst Peeta would swirl his pencils and paintbrushes across the page. They would even go into the woods together, on sunny days and Katniss would hunt, whilst Peeta would watch. Sometimes, Katniss would catch him from the corner of her eye. He would be sitting on a rock or tree stump; the sun would shimmer down to catch the top of his curls. His hair had grown a lot since he arrived back at 12. Katniss had noticed how healthy he looked now. The dark circles under his eyes were non-existent, he had put on weight again, his skinny arms were now fuller and there seemed to be a hint of muscle again. But he would be lost in the moment, allowing the heat to find his skin and rest there. Maybe he would be trying to remember something, or perhaps it was the present Peeta would be focusing on. Katniss enjoyed these moments, she allowed herself to sneak a peek at Peeta in that moment. It was nice. But that didn’t mean it made anything easy. If she was being honest with herself, she was extremely confused as to how to feel about him now. Katniss had tried to ignore her feelings, but it was becoming increasingly difficult. 

Katniss had found Peeta in her bed once again one night. There was a storm, one that reminded Katniss of the time before the Quarter Quell. It was loud, dark, and miserable. Peeta had stayed for dinner, bring one of his new loaves with him. This one had a hint of spice, which Katniss wasn’t too sure of. Peeta knew immediately she didn’t love his new bread as much as the cheese buns but appreciated the honesty and constructive criticism. Katniss wasn’t so sure Peeta would actually take on anything she had said. She’d heard from Greasy Sal how Peeta’s bread was becoming the talk of the town again, which was nice to hear. Even if Katniss couldn’t do it, she was glad Peeta was integrating into society again. He deserved it. The two sat in silence while they ate, but it was a comfortable silence, that didn’t need to be filled. Katniss could sense Peeta wanted to talk to her about something, something important but he hadn’t approached the subject yet. It was only when the two had decided it was time to sleep, that Peeta spoke his words. The storm had grown stronger since the two had begun eating, and it was clear Peeta couldn’t leave, not that Katniss wanted him to. 

Peeta’s head was upright, leaning against his pillow, whilst Katniss lay just beside him, her braid sprawled across his chest and head just below his bicep. His breathing was steady, but Katniss could tell he wasn’t going to stay silent for long. Peeta was clever, he knew when to pick his moments, but Katniss knew him better than anyone else. She picked up on things. There were things that Katniss had noticed more since the two had come back home. The way he would sometimes stop mid-sentence, mid-walk, mid-eating, as if he was overcome by a terror, a memory, a nightmare. How he would take more time with almost everything he would do. The way he would listen to Katniss so intently, hanging onto every single word. How he would act so cautious, so delicately around Katniss whenever they spoke of what happened before. Things were different know. Katniss knew this, she understood, and she was even beginning to accept it. 

“Katniss?” He spoke her name so softly, as if not wanting to stir her.

“Hm?” Katniss murmured, shifting her body closer to Peeta’s, wanting to share his space. She could hear his heartbeat now, it had sped up ever so slightly, as if Peeta was preparing himself to ask the inevitable. Katniss didn’t know how she felt about that, she didn’t know if she could truly face it. She just wanted Peeta to stay by her side, always, forever. She couldn’t lose her boy with the bread, not again. She wasn’t going to let that happen. And if she opened up, who knew what would truly happen? 

“I’ve been thinking…”

“Oh, no.” Katniss joked, but Peeta was not joking. He moved himself so he was sitting up right, but making sure he didn’t push Katniss away. She kept her eyes closed throughout but could sense something had shifted. Peeta was serious now, he was feeling anxious about what he wanted to ask. 

There was still a sense of not being completely honest with each other. Katniss knew this, and she was sure Peeta did too. She didn’t know if she could truly be that for Peeta. They had shared things in the past, things they were only for the two of them, but the Peeta who had held Katniss during the Victory Tour, who had defended Gale, who worked so hard to protect Katniss did not exist anymore. The Peeta who lay beside her in her bed knew those things about her, but the way he thought and felt about certain things had changed. And yet, Katniss knew she couldn’t avoid it for much longer. There were things that were still hidden, still unspoken. And Peeta knew that, and Katniss could sense it. 

“It might be good for us, to talk.”

“What about?” Katniss had opened her eyes and portrayed a confused look on her face. She knew Peeta would see right through it, but she at least had to try. She couldn’t and wouldn’t make the first move, she was no good with words, with speaking how she truly felt. Over the past year she had spent so much time being spoon-fed what to say, how to say it, when to say it and who to say it to. It was as if she had lost her true voice, the Katniss that existed before the reaping. Of course, she had changed in so many ways, ways she never believed could have happened. 

“I had an appointment with Dr Aurelius yesterday. There’s still a lot of things I’m confused about or don’t really understand. Things that haven’t been spoken about.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think you know what I mean, Katniss.”

There’s a pause, as if Peeta is expecting Katniss to drop the act and admit she of course knew what he meant and would divulge all of her feelings. This, of course, was not going to happen. Katniss knew she should, for both of them. Even if Peeta didn’t feel the same about Katniss, she wasn’t sure she could ever admit to him how she felt. It would hurt too much, and the idea that Peeta had stopped loving Katniss was one she couldn’t face. Even if she believed deep down it was her reality. 

“How we’re feeling.”

“Oh, that.” Katniss whispered; she spoke more for herself than Peeta in that moment. Peeta was clearly waiting for her to expand but she couldn’t do it. “What?”

“Well, you know how I felt about you.” Peeta had barely mentioned how he had felt about Katniss before the Capitol had changed him. There had been moments since the two had reunited in 12, and even back after Peeta had arrived in 13, that Katniss had seen a glimpse of what had been. It would only be for a second, sometimes not even that, but Katniss would see how Peeta felt about her. How he had protected her, cared for her, loved her. And she had taken it all for granted. It was as Haymitch said, she didn’t deserve Peeta. He was always too good for her. And now, Peeta, who had been so broken, so angry after the Capitol had changed him, he was still too good. Maybe Peeta had thought about his love for Katniss, why he had loved her so much, why he would have ever put his faith in someone like Katniss. But he hadn’t made that clear to Katniss. There had been moments of Peeta trying to remember certain things, or times when he had been triggered by something, but he’d never really disclose what those memories were. It made Katniss think maybe it was to do with her, and the fact Peeta couldn’t tell her about it, she felt hurt. It was something the two had always seemed to share, since their Victory Tour. They would protect each other, trust each other but they would always tell the truth, keep each other in the loop. But that wasn’t happening now, things had got far too complicated. 

“And now?” Katniss felt the words slipping out and she couldn’t stop them. Yes, she wanted to know how Peeta felt. She truly had no idea, and it was becoming more and more confusing. Her feelings were becoming more and more apparent, and yet she had no real scope of what Peeta was thinking or feeling. Did those feelings even exist anymore for Peeta? Or was it just a childish dream that would never come true? 

“Katniss… how many people fall in love with the same person twice?” Peeta sighed, and allowed himself a little chuckle, as if it was so amusing to him. Katniss was rather taken aback by this admission. It hadn’t occurred to her that Peeta could do that. After everything that had happened, she had of course yearned for Peeta to feel the same. The day they rescued Peeta from the Capitol; she had dreamed of their reunion so many times only for it to be torn away from her. She had watched Annie and Finnick together in the days after, spending all their time together and not letting each other go. She had thought of what it would like to kiss Peeta again, to touch him, for him to hold her in the night when the terrors came to visit her. Katniss had wondered whether there was a part of Peeta that did love her, but that part could never come to the surface. But Peeta had just admitted that he loved Katniss. How could that be? 

“How could you, after everything?”

“I don’t know,” Peeta shook his head, but turned to face Katniss. Their eyes caught each other, and Katniss allowed hers to linger on Peeta. He looked sad, almost. Katniss didn’t like to see that, it hurt her in a way she couldn’t quite explain. “Because it’s you.” Peeta gave Katniss a smile, one only reserved for her, before stroking the bottom of her chin with his index finger.

A pause, as Katniss watched Peeta, trying to suss out his movements. He took a sip of water, before placing the glass back on the mat. Clearly sensing Katniss watching him, he turned back towards her, flopping back down onto the pillow. 

“You were always so tricky to work out, real or not real?” Peeta frowned, glancing over towards Katniss. Katniss wondered whether this was really something Peeta needed reassurance on. There were times when he would ask a question and Katniss knew he didn’t need the answer, but he asked anyway. It was like a little game, like he was goading her, tricking her into saying something she felt she shouldn’t, or didn’t want to. But later on she would be angry at herself for thinking Peeta would do something like that intentionally. They both did things to survive, but could Peeta be that cruel? It was that unspoken thing between the two of them; that some things didn’t need to be said, that some things were left alone. But there was a time when Peeta was cruel, when he was angry, when he wanted Katniss dead. Katniss mind would sometimes wander back to those days when Peeta was released from his hospital shackles and would roam around District 13. His words were spiteful, they hurt. Peeta knew exactly what he was doing, even then. It was like he didn’t have a filter. He was using one of his strengths against them all. Katniss and anyone else who questioned him, anyone who attempted to make Peeta see the truth. But that was months ago, that broken Peeta had gone. The Peeta who lay beside Katniss was not fixed, but he was healing, just as Katniss was. 

“Real, or at least you thought so, sometimes.” Katniss didn’t believe herself very tricky or very interesting at that. She didn’t let anyone in, she knew that. It took months for her and Gale to have a proper conversation, and even then, it was mostly about hunting. Katniss didn’t consider herself to be a very popular person. She had Prim, she had Gale, she spoke to Madge sometimes at school, she had her bow and that was enough. But Peeta had always made a point about that. He’d wanted to know things about Katniss, about her life, her family, her father, the Seam. Even when it was for the cameras in the first Games, Peeta always seemed to show an interest in what Katniss was saying. The story of Prim’s goat came to mind. It was something so small, so inconsequential, but seemed so important to Peeta. But Katniss seemed to give him so little, even when she tried so hard. But things didn’t have to be like that anymore, they couldn’t. 

Another silence from Peeta. Katniss wasn’t sure whether she should try to fill it. She was never very good at that. That was always Peeta’s thing, his strength. But things were different now. Sometimes it would be like nothing had changed, Katniss would be reminded of those days on the train during the Victory Tour, or when the two were living in their separate houses, calling each other during the long storms, preparing for their wedding and waiting for the announcement of the Quarter Quell. Other times were harder, more difficult. Katniss had to do more than just listen or be in Peeta’s company. She had to put in the work, no matter how stubborn she could be, this was important. She understand how Peeta felt during those times on the Victory Tour, when he would desperately try to find out the silly little things about Katniss, when he tried to build bridges with her and be her friend. But Katniss didn’t want them to be friends. They could never truly just be friends. Admitting this to herself took some time, but once she had realised that she couldn’t think of anything else. 

“You don’t need to work me out Peeta.” Katniss whispered this, as if she didn’t want anyone else to hear her admission. It was true though, Peeta didn’t need to. The two of them knew each other well enough, they shared something that no one else could truly understand and Katniss was going to hold onto that. 

“OK.” Peeta moved closer to Katniss, placing a small kiss on her forehead, before brushing a strand of her to the side of her face. Katniss stayed silent, unsure on what to say next. Peeta had just admitted his feelings, but why couldn’t she? What was she so afraid of? 

“Why is it always here?”

“What?”

“Why is it always here, my house and never yours?”

“I thought that was what you wanted. For me to stay.”

“Yes, but-“

“And I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, Katniss, but there’s a pretty big storm outside.” Katniss frowned, which just made Peeta smile wider. A memory flashed before Katniss’ eyes. The cave. Peeta’s injuries. His memory of Katniss singing the song. Her retelling of the goat story. Peeta’s smile when Katniss kissed him. It was still raw, at least to Katniss. She wondered if Peeta felt the same. She hoped Peeta remembered it. Those moments from their first games, those were the memories altered in Peeta’s brain. Those were the moments the doctors in 13 used to bring him back. Things the Capitol didn’t use to change him. That was what Katniss kept in the back of her mind, always there, just not reaching the surface. During that time in 13, it was hard to have any hope that Peeta would come back to her, her Peeta. It all had to be ignored, locked away. But things had changed, they were different. Peeta was here, he was next to Katniss, he was with her. Peeta was smiling at Katniss, in the only way he could. He was present, and Katniss was not going to let him go. Not this time. Peeta had said the words, the ones they could never truly say before. He had said them as if they held no power at all, as if it was obvious. 

“I suppose we spend more time here than at my house. It’s not really my house anyway.”

“Why not?”

“It’s not where I grew up, it’s not the house I had after the first games. Everything I had before Is gone.” Peeta opened his mouth, as if he had more say, but closed it shut tight again, not letting the words escape. Katniss wondered what was going through his mind. Memories of his family, perhaps. The bakery. His older brothers, who he would wrestle with. His father, who was always so friendly to Katniss. His mother who scolded him that time with the bread. All of that had gone. Maybe Peeta had lost just as much as Katniss, maybe more. Peeta couldn’t travel through the districts to see old friends. Peeta couldn’t write letters. Peeta couldn’t phone his mother to keep up with her news. Everything Peeta once has was gone, and it was never coming back. But Peeta, he wasn’t alone. There was someone who never wanted to part from his side. Someone who would do everything in her power to stay and protect him. There was someone who loved him. 

“You still have me.” Katniss realised she had blurted this out, without even thinking. But it was true. Peeta did still have Katniss, even if everything else was lost. Sometimes, Katniss imagined he felt as she had him, but he didn’t have her. There were things that she could have done differently, so many things. If Katniss ever thought too much about it, it hurt. It hurt a lot, like so many other things. But Peeta was there, they had each other now, and nothing could separate them. Katniss wasn’t going to let it happen. She didn’t have much belief in the system of Panem changing. She would watch as the world move on from what had happened, knowing she truly never could. But maybe it was just that she couldn’t do it alone. There was only one person who knew exactly how she felt, knew exactly what she had been through, and he was lying beside her. Peeta had experienced the same, if not worse than Katniss. He had even tried to shield her from those horrors. But he had made it out of the other side. Being part of the future, actually going to Dr Auerilius’ appointments. He was being better and making Katniss better to. 

“And what a consolation.” Peeta smiled, his eyes lighting up as he focused them on Katniss. “It feels different there. I don’t…I don’t mind it but, I’m not sure I should be there. Just me.”

“You should be here. Where you belong.” And without even realising what she was doing, Katniss moved her head, so it was level with Peeta’s. A small kiss appeared from her lips to his. She had wanted to do that for a while but was too scared. Scared of how Peeta would react, what it would trigger. But Katniss couldn’t keep it to herself any longer. She had to let Peeta know this was how she was feeling. She wanted to touch him; she wanted him to touch her. Katniss didn’t want to be apart from Peeta, not ever again. The comfort she felt in his arms, the warmth, it was what she had longed for. This proved to Katniss exactly how she felt about Peeta, even after everything, after the battles, the death, the sadness, the guilt. Her feelings were stronger than ever and were not wavering. She couldn’t stop it now, it had to come to life. The fear Katniss had once felt about being open with Peeta, she couldn’t let it control her anymore. There was no point going back now, they had to move forward. And as Peeta said, they could do it together, they would do it together. 

“Katniss…” Peeta started but stopped himself. 

Katniss braced herself for disappointment. She knew how Peeta felt about her, or at least she did. It was more difficult now. She expected an excuse or a reason but none of that came. Instead, Peeta took the lead and planted a small kiss on her mouth. Clearly being careful with what he was doing. But Katniss didn’t just want a small kiss, it was like in the first games. Everything was confusing and she was playing the part, but she couldn’t deny that every time they kissed, she was always left wanting more. Peeta was confused. How he felt about Katniss, how she felt about him. But that kiss, the kiss that was initiated by Katniss after so long, told him everything he needed to know. That was Katniss’ way of saying ‘I want you’, ‘I need you’, ‘I love you’, ‘Do you love me?’ 

Peeta never stopped, even hijacked. That’s what made everything so frustrating and so difficult. He was always there, looming in the back of Katniss’ mind. Everything she did during the Games, during the Rebellion, and after, it all seemed to be for Peeta, connected to him. There was an invisible string, tethering them together. It was no use trying to deny or avoid it, they would always end up in the same space. As Katniss could feel Peeta pulling away, restricting himself, not pushing too far, she found herself pulling him towards her. Their simple, small kiss turned into something else, something more. That hunger that Katniss felt so many times had reappeared and had seemed to take over. Katniss’ lips crashed onto to Peeta’s, they found them and would not let go. Their noses brushed against each other, and Katniss felt Peeta’s soft hands stroke her jawline. 

“Katniss, what took you so long?” Peeta whispered, his lips only inches away from hers. Katniss could feel the warmth of Peeta’s breath blowing against her. His question wasn’t accusing, but there was a sense of longing, a sense of confusion flowing from Peeta. This was a genuine question. What had taken Katniss so long? She was scared, of course she was. Scared that how she felt for Peeta wasn’t going to be reciprocated. Scared that she would have to live the rest of her life with the guilt, the anguish, the sadness but without Peeta. Katniss knew it was her turn to show Peeta how she felt. She had spent so long, so many times ignoring how she felt. Allowing Peeta to take the lead, to do the talking, to hold her in ways she couldn’t quite explain. But things had changed, as Katniss kept reminding herself. 

“Me?”

“I’ve been waiting for you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, don’t ever be sorry.” Peeta smiled at Katniss, allowing his fingers to drag across her cheekbone. He tapped her face ever so slightly, tracing the odd freckles that had recently appeared on her face. Katniss could feel her cheeks warming up, likely turning a blush tone of red. Peeta still hadn’t taken his eyes off her, as if he wanted to remember every single detail of her face. All of her scars, her tears, all of her insecurities. Katniss wasn’t sure why she was blushing this time, but something felt different. The way Peeta was looking at her, it was as if something had shifted. Katniss realised something. She had never been in love with Peeta the way she was in that moment. She wanted to freeze it and stay in it forever. 

Peeta picked up the pearl which was sitting on the bedside table nearest to him, allowing it to swirl around in his palm. Katniss watched him anxiously, not knowing what was going through his head. “I gave this to you, real or not real?”

“Yes,” Katniss swallowed, she continued to watch Peeta, trying to understand what he was thinking. Did he know how much that tiny pearl meant to her? How much she treasured it when she was in 13? How she’d kept in with her from the moment Peeta gave it to her, until when she shot her arrow through Coin’s chest? Maybe not, Katniss had never uttered the words to him. But she hadn’t needed to, neither of them needed to. Words didn’t always matter, not with Peeta and Katniss. It was things they did, the way they were around each other, the touches, the glances, those things said so much more than Katniss’ words ever could. Peeta was always better at that, being more open and honest, even when he had kept his true feelings for Katniss hidden away, not wanting to confuse her. And that just made Katniss feelings even stronger now. She loved Peeta. She had loved him longer than she initially realised. And Peeta had loved her, he had loved her when she thought she was completely unlovable. Even now, even when she returned to 12, broken and bruised. Peeta was there, and he would always be. 

“I remember. We were on the beach. And then after…” Peeta stopped, furrowing his eyebrows, as if he was trying to remember what happened exactly. It seemed his couldn’t, but Katniss replayed that memory in her head. Peeta had opened the shell, ‘for you’, was what he had said to Katniss. A gesture so small and meaningless, and yet Katniss had thought of it so often. Twirling the pearl around in-between her index finger and thumb was the one thing that helped her sleep in those days underground. But she was always met with a dream filled with Peeta, a Peeta who didn’t exist anymore. 

“You kept it?” Katniss nodded. She waited for Peeta to ask, for her to stumble over her words, trying to explain but it never came. Peeta continued to roll the pearl around and around and around. “I’m surprised it survived.”

“I kept this, too.” Katniss motioned towards the bedside table. Peeta’s medallion sat closest to her. Along with the pearl, her Mockingjay pin, and the photograph of her father, it was one of her most important possessions. She always kept it close, like she had a piece of Peeta close to her. It hadn’t been opened in some time; Katniss couldn’t face the photographs that were placed inside. Katniss watched Peeta as he turned to the direction of the medallion. He started to frown, clearly trying to remember it, remember who gave it to him, what he had done with it, what it meant. It meant a great deal to Katniss, maybe more than she had allowed herself to realise before now. When Peeta had shown her what was being kept inside, when he had laid his soul bare to her, it changed something in her. Katniss knew in some way how Peeta felt about her. She understood the unspoken agreement the two had with each other, protecting each other. But Peeta’s admission to everything when he showed her the medallion, that sealed it for Katniss. Peeta put Katniss above himself. Nothing else seemed to matter to him, only that Katniss survived, that she lived, even if that meant a life without Peeta. “Do you remember?” Katniss asked innocently, trying to trigger something within Peeta. Anything. It didn’t have to be a memory, not even a thought but a feeling. Peeta must have had some kind of feeling about that moment in time, that moment in their life, that moment that was engraved in Katniss’ brain. It was a moment that she played over and over again whilst in District 13, wondering if she would ever see Peeta again.  

Peeta blinked and took a moment to answer. “Yes, I do.” He moved to lie on his back once again, his face looking up at the ceiling, with almost no expression. Katniss couldn’t read him, he didn’t look angry, or sad, there was nothing there. Maybe he was lost in a memory, maybe it was a cold, dark one. Or maybe he was just thinking. Sometimes, Katniss would catch herself worrying about Peeta’s memories before she even opened her eyes in the morning. Whenever he would suddenly stop, a wave of anxiety would fall upon her. It was tough, at times, to be constantly on edge. But Katniss couldn’t blame Peeta, and she wouldn’t. She had done enough of that in the past.But now? She didn’t want Peeta to be lost in a memory. Katniss had to be the one to anchor him back. She couldn’t lose him again. 

Realising Katniss would need to be the one to talk this time, she would need to fill the silence, she shifted so slightly, knocking her arm into Peeta’s. “You were being noble, trying to tell me no one needed you, that no one would miss you.” Katniss wanted to bring Peeta back to the present, back to her. So many times, recently had he become lost in a memory, in a moment from their past. It would take over, take control, and show Peeta the unimaginable horrors of his past. Sometimes it would last a minute, sometimes hours. And after…Peeta would be so exhausted. He’d close in on himself, and Katniss couldn’t get in. Some nights he would just sleep, even with the nightmares visiting him. But other times Peeta would change, he would be quiet and push Katniss away. Tonight, would not be one of those nights. 

“Hm. I seemed to do a lot of that. I remember…what they showed me in 13. Things from the Games, things that had been…altered, I guess. It made everything so confusing. But at the Capitol, they never showed me that one. I remembered it though, when the doctors showed me.”

“I remembered too. I thought about it a lot.” Katniss was almost surprised at this admission, but she knew it was important for her to say. 

“I’m glad you kept it. But you didn’t answer my question, Katniss.”

“I didn’t realise it was a question.”

“Katniss.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“I don’t want you to say anything, Katniss, bu-“

“Need me to say?”

“It’s alright, you don’t have to say anything.” Peeta moved towards Katniss and softly kissed her on the rim of her nose. He stayed in that position for a few seconds, before tapping her nose and moving back to lie on his back. Katniss thought her actions would tell Peeta everything he needed to know. That was something she became quite good at during the Games. She wasn’t like that Peeta in that regard, he never needed to be trained on what to say. Katniss worked better with her actions. There were her way in letting people know what she was feeling. In the cave, in those glimpses of vulnerability, Katniss could allow herself to feel. The slight touches, sleeping against Peeta, allowing herself to let the hunger lead, kissing him. It was true that she was guided by Haymitch and the gifts he would send, but there was a sense of Katniss being in control. The cameras were there watching her every move, but there were moments when she seemingly forgot. Some of the things she said, the things she told Peeta were not part of the act. She felt those things for him. She allowed herself to be open, even if she couldn’t quite admit her feelings. Peeta seemed to accept it then, but things had changed since then. Maybe it was time to for Katniss to be honest, truly honest. 

[twig-tea]

The La Pluie finale had everything:

The Perfect Confession

Ok listen I am not one for nonconsensual public confession but know your audience, Tien is a perpetually invisible middle child who is not afraid of public attention and he is a film major, Lomfon making him a film to illustrate his feelings got me emotional, and him then also saying them out loud!! Because my boy learns from his own and others' mistakes, yesssss.

The Perfect Apology

I was so ready for Tai to suffer from the bed of his own making this episode, and I was not sure four days of searching was going to be enough. But that apology was PERFECT. He apologized first, he explained exactly what he did wrong, and he fixed it by saying his feelings aloud, finally! I was braced for the show to let him get away with not saying it, but he did. AND the show did us one better by giving us the explanation that he was parroting his parents' bullshit, which is such a real thing and it is difficult to catch yourself doing it, so the fact that he recognized it displayed his growth before the apology too. Just, all around this was so perfectly constructed and I was so pleased. Hell yes.

Surprise Sapphics

Listen, I am always here for more women loving women. Always. And LBR it's only a surprise that we actually got Dream and Nara confirmed because I know many of us were already shipping them.

Confirmation of Other Side Pairs

IDK if anyone else was rooting for the other vet techs than me, but they shared coffee so they're married in my head now I don't make the rules.

Best Brothers Being Best

Honestly Tien could have just said "unfuck it" to Tai again in that phone call and it would have rolled up to the same thing lol I really do love how their relationship was rock solid through this entire show, even when romance was potentially a threat. They have such a good sibling dynamic, one of the best I've seen in any show, and it makes me happy whenever Tien and Tai interact.

It also had a few things that I didn't love:

Awkward Logistics

This is maybe not a big deal because Tai is a writer but he works in a job that requires him to be in the office at least occasionally and Patts just started setting up a new vet clinic in Chiang Mai. Is Tai going to leave his friends and family to work remotely and live in Chiang Mai with Patts? Are they going to have to work out their relationship anew long distance? This is going to suck a little bit, and the adult in me could not help but notice and have it damper my joy. That being said, it was something Patts said he was thinking about for awhile so maybe it's something that would have come up anyway in future.

Patts Now Believes in Soulmates

Honestly, this was the biggest damper for me and I wish they hadn't included it (but maybe they had to for the sequel, IDK). Patts originally was willing to try with Nara because he didn't think the soulmate thing could dictate his emotions and he loved her, but she would not believe him. He also was willing to try with Tai before realizing that they were soulmates. And he told Tai that he would have wanted to try a relationship with him whether or not they were soulmates. So why now are we told that he suddenly thinks he can only love his soulmate for the rest of his life? This is not just anti-narrative, but anti-Patts' previous statements. I get that he was hurting and predisposed to be melodramatic in that moment, but it was a weird statement to include.

Bow's Throwaway Het Happy Ending

Not to be heterophobic but where is her cute Northern girlie who Tumblr convinced me she was dating? Bow deserves better imho

Tien's Turn for Drama

I KNEW this was going to happen! They spent too much time making it a big deal that Tai was the only sibling with hearing loss during rain. I just want my best boy to be happy for five minutes! Considering these characters, and what Tien's already said about what he would do if given this choice, I could see this plot being interesting. Especially because Tien had to suffer, now it's Lomfon's turn, maybe. But still, just let me have this cuteness for a little longer, show!

But all of that is relatively minor and honestly what we got was so good I can forgive and forget all of it.

TL; DR La Pluie stuck the landing and I could not be more pleased!

[peerbear]

Saint Catherines THE SHOOT

The shoot for Saint Catherines was a very heartwarming experience.

We started out checking the equipment at Craglockhart Kit Stores where I colour-coded every character's lavalier microphone so that I could quickly and easily differentiate between transmitters and receivers on set and also know immediately whose was whose and thus where to connect it on my MixPre 10 on which I gave each character a channel each. The boom was 1, Phoebe 2, Harry 3, Jo 4 and Sara 5. The colour choices were Phoebe blue, Harry red, Jo yellow and Sara green. I also in a previous session where I had booked out the MixPre 10 to go over settings, learned how to use the WingMan App's reports (using a Youtube video), which is a log of the notes you make on each take on set, which is super helpful for post-production. This was the first time I used the MixPre 10 on set with so many channels and the first time I recorded a 4 people simultaneous setup.

We had also been introduced to the Tenacle Sync which syncs the timecode for camera and sound and saves time in the edit. I took it upon myself to set this up every day and coordinate with camera because they had so many other things to worry about. We had had a brief previous session going over how to use it and I messed up because I had put a cable in the wrong port of the MixPre I did not realise this until the last day, so the tentacles were synced but the MixPre was not receiving the timecode, but the camera was. So we only had the last day synced automatically, which took away time from our editor, Alyssa, but she had factored this into her edit window anyway. I still felt guilty and this was a massive learning curve for me. It will never happen again!

Here is a photo from the session of how it should have been and I forgot to double-check the photo, rookie mistake:

Back to Craiglockhart Campus, after checking all of the equipment, Katie, Eva and I helped Orla load up a van with the equipment and once we had done this she drove off to Saint Catherines. I then drove myself and some of our crew (Katie, Eva, Alex and Sophie, our continuity supervisor) to Saint Catherines.

From here I won't go entirely in chronological order because so many things happened, so I will just give some key highlights and summaries of what happened. Every day we would shoot from about 9 to 5 and in the evenings we would relax and play werewolf which became a proper daily ritual.

Before the shoot, I had been quite nervous about being in charge of sound mixing and recording because I usually find this very hard and run into many issues. After all, there are always issues when recording sound that in some instances are out of your control. But on the shoot, I fell in love with sound recording and found myself getting into the groove and getting more and more comfortable with it. Something I have to say is that when I listen back to my recordings and see photos of me on set I hear and see how serious I am! I think this will be my nerves coming out and me wanting to do my best, it must be the German in me or something because I am never so to the point and sharp. With the expressions, I am not as worried because I know I have a bit of a resting bitch face.

As we were recording both inside and outside I found the struggles for these were very different. Inside the mics were more sensitive in the smaller space and the lighting setups created lots of whirring sounds. Outside cars were extremely loud as we were situated right next to a main road, something I had been aware of on the location recce, but it had seemed like a much quieter road at the time. There was also a construction site where someone was building a house, but somehow this did not interfere with dialogue too much.

Something I learned about dialogue was to do with recording overlapping dialogue. When so many people are on set it is very hard to avoid having actors not interrupt each other during takes. Usually, they will and this will be what is used in the final picture edit because it is a natural performance and what is required of them but in sound, this means the different character's dialogue are not separable from each other which means it is less manipulatable and hard to get rid of. Usually, dialogue is separated into each character but when there are interruptions this is harder. However, overall my dialogue was mostly very clear and I had fewer problems with it than I expected. While on set I was most nervous about scenes 8 and 11, which are the confrontation scene and the support and reconciliation with a friend scene. These are arguably the two most important scenes of the film. Sadly when I got to the sound design I found these were the hardest to work on and contained the most affected dialogue due to loud wind, waves, and traffic.

On this project I learned a lot about micing up the cast, I looked into it and found that placing the mic between the dip in their chest proved to provide the best and smoothest audio. For women, this dip is in between their breasts and I found this was a very new situation for me to navigate. I was told by friends that on their sets women had to lav themselves up, but the actresses had no idea how to do this and I did not find it fair to ask this of them, nor did I want to risk having bad dialogue. But we were lucky, who knew being gay can pay off in the workplace. I would lav up the actresses while my boom op George would lav up the only actor. I would navigate this by ensuring actresses felt comfortable and most of this involved them moving the microphone through their clothes themselves and even holding it in place in the necessary dip. My main point of contact was applying the mic to their chest with medical tape that I had procured before the shoot. What I also had to take into consideration was costume. Different costumes required different lav positioning and these also required different housings made out of tape, something that I learned from Tom in the test shoot and then adapted to fit my own needs. These housings lessened contact between the lav and the costume. Laving up the actresses would get quicker each day and we quickly found our rhythm and a way to make this work for each of them. From the second day after having a noisy necklace on our lead I would speak to costume and as much as possible ask for changes if they were detrimental to sound. This of course did not always happen, but I found solutions along the way.

I was absolutely blessed with Orla, I feel we worked really well together and she always left space for sound. This was something we had spoken about previously and I had requested extra room for not only time for room tone but also wildtrack sound takes of actions and sometimes even dialogue, especially where there had been interruptions previously. This meant I had many options in the design for when things had gone wrong in the actual takes. As Orla is a sound person as well as a director this is something she pushed for so I got nearly every sound recorded in the space where we shot it. They would call wrap for camera and then me, George and the actors would record whatever was on my sound shopping list for that scene. Every afternoon after shooting George and I would go over what we were shooting the next day to make sure we had everything on the shopping list that was needed. Overall I was super happy with clear dialogue and production sound. I know the actors had also never taken part in wildtracks before and I am aware I was in a very lucky position and I am very thankful for it, I think it really paid off in the sound design edit.

I felt we worked incredibly well as a team and built some close working relationships and friendships. Everyone put in so much and without each and every person we would not have been able to make the film that we made. Katie and her camera department were incredible, I have described them as a well-oiled machine and they were just that. Also working with Katie has been a creative experience that I really enjoyed because I feel we connected really well and worked hard together. Having Eva on set was such a relief, she is so near and dear to my heart and it was nice to see her excel and be such a strong support for the camera team. She was also a big support for me as sets can be stressful and having her presence around meant I had something and someone from home and it was nice to also work on a grad film together. George as my boom op was my saviour coming on board very last minute and being an incredible boom op, he has his own separate post coming up. One day as a treat I let him sound record because I was going to do on set folley footsteps to the water's edge to replicate Phoebe's steps towards the water. He again excelled. Orla was an incredible director and made an incredible space for everyone on set, she looked after all of us so well and kept us on the right path. We all felt we were in safe hands and we definitely were. The cast was really well picked and as the days went on they fell deeper into their characters and we all very quickly believed who they were. The whole crew was great to work with and helped provide a positive atmosphere on set.

My one issue on set was the bathroom and shower issues that we had, but this was unavoidable as we were so many people and our lodgings were not used to this. As an IBS girlie, I had multiple evenings and mornings where I would run to the car drive from the lodge to the caravan carefully to then barge in and use the toilet. Cold showers were not an issue as this is something I do regularly. I was a bit cheeky and had these every day as I am unbearable to be around when I am unshowered so it was best for everyone that I broke this rule. Or at least that's what I am telling myself, but I know I get insufferably grumpy when I feel unclean.

I did find I had to manage my stress and my resting bitch face, but with time both eased and by the end I felt completely in my element as if this was something I had been doing for a long time.

So at the end of the shoot, I found myself as a happy sound girl, as we say, I fell in love with sound recording and felt comfortable and in my element. We all made it back to Edinburgh in one piece and so did our equipment, which myself Orla and the camera department helped unload.

Here are some shots and even a little video from all of our days on set, as you can see we had a blast:

[lost-technology]

Earning the Nickname

Tri-Tober Fanfic shorts Prompt 2: Stampede Setting: Trigun Stampede with Badlands Rumble references. Rating: General Summary: And this is why you might see a wild toma someday.

Prompt 2: Stampede Earning the Nickname   There was a time before infamy for Vash – a time for first crimes.  He'd come to stay in small towns during his early days wandering the sandy planet in his searches for Nai and seeing to the welfare of his sisters, who would call to him in his dreams.  Tomas were invaluable friends then, pack animals and mounts that were the hardiest of hardy creatures, save perhaps the worms, but far friendlier to humans and human-like Plants.  They had been brought over from old Earth, stored as embryos and Vash was never certain if they were bred down from something called an “emu” (which had apparently won an actual war that humans had waged on them once in the wilds of their own territory), if they were genetic-constructs with origins similar to Plants or if they were a project to bring back some extinct species, some kind of “elephant bird” that Rem had once told him about and that he couldn’t wrap his head around imagining.  In any case, Brad back Home had showed him how to care for them.  You had to keep your mount happy if you had any chance of coming back Home from a trip to the desert, after all.  It wasn’t very long before the survivors of the Big Fall started using their valuable steed-birds for other purposes.  Eggs as a food source were, of course, a given.  Meat followed afterward.  While Vash could never imagine eating his own mounts, he understood the survival needs of the population.  It also, he hated to admit, took some pressure of the Plants to have livestock around.  It took him a bit longer to take to eating toma-meat himself, but when he did, he found that he’d liked it.  It could be dried rock-hard into something that could be taken off a fossilized chunk in slivers and made for a good long-term, long-distance ration that was surprisingly filling for how little one could flake off with a knife at a time.  Regardless of knowing what these cute, big goofy birds tasted like, Vash could not stand to see them in any kind of ill-treatment.  Even birds doomed to slaughter deserved to be fed and watered in the meantime.  So, when a young Vash, one who was not yet the subject of pursuits and wanted posters came upon a small ranching town where he saw a pen of toma panting and swaying, rolling and suffering in the dust from thirst-induced bloat and inquired about empty troughs and got an answer from a farm owner that it just didn’t matter if the birds were watered because they weren’t long for this world, anyway – “We’ll just take the fresh ones and any that die in the pen can be used for leather,” well, that didn’t quite sit well with Vash.  The town had a Plant-source reservoir not an isle away.  He took out his big gun and blew off the locks on the main gate.  “Oops, looks like your fence is broken!”  “Why you!”  Seeing freedom and smelling water, the toma flowed as one.  The ground shook and people dove for doorways or looked out of windows at the dust and covered their ears for all the squawking.  After the creatures had made their way to the reservoir and drunk their fill, none of the resident ranchers were able to round up a single one.  The place became known for its population of wily feral tomas that lived among the canyon rocks and the scant flora scrub eating small worms and stealing garbage.  The town was renamed from something forgotten to Big Bird Gulch.  There was a war fought against them to try to rein them in, but in the end, like their ancestors before them, the toma won.  They retained their right to live and to continue to be a local nuisance.  In exchange for all of the loud nighttime trash-scavenging outside the homes, businesses, bars and brothels, they became quite a tourist-attraction.  Artists in the town painted pictures and made little clay sculptures that sold well as souvenirs. People from all around brought money into Big Bird Gulch going on tours around the scrub in hopes of catching a glimpse of one of the world’s only “wild toma.”    And a young man named Vash became Vash the Stampede ever since. 

[theuntitledblog]

Tenet (2020) - REVIEW

It's hard to know where to even begin with Tenet! I would start by saying that no other film Christopher Nolan has made has come close to being as much of a challenge for me as this . It's not like the general concept of inversion is that difficult to understand, but the way it's realized and utilized on screen just boggles the senses and I find myself unable fully process it. I saw Tenet again a couple of days ago and this was probably the first time where most of it started to slot together for me but even then the visual complexity is still hard to grasp the bigger and more ambitious the film gets. This is Christopher Nolan operating in a similar way as he did with Inception by constructing a complex film around a sci-fi concept and trusting that the audience can keep up. Tenet is a film I admired and generally liked upon release, it's a film I continue to revisit but unlike with Inception, Tenet is perhaps too challenging for some of the wrong reasons.

Despite being 2 and a half hours long, Tenet requires your full attention as well as your ability to keep up with the story as it moves constantly between so many locations, characters, ideas and even points in time. There's nothing wrong of course with trying to challenge your audience with complex ideas, but it is a problem when it requires multiple viewings to understand the basics and Tenet asks a lot of its audience. Nolan has been previously criticised regarding the quality of the sound in his movies and while I haven't generally agreed with this, here I think it's somewhat justified. On my first viewing there were lines of dialogue I couldn't pick up on which was compounded further by just how loud Ludwig Göransson's score is at times. I would point out that at no time was I unable to follow the main story or the stakes involved and if you can keep up then Tenet can be a rewarding experience. But there's no denying that Tenet is too convoluted for its own good and isn't as satisfying an experience than Inception was. But among its saving graces, the biggest for me is that I find it to be among the most intriguing films Nolan has made and my desire to fully understand it is because I admire so much of what it's attempting to be.

If you've ever wondered what a Christopher Nolan directed James Bond movie might look like, then Tenet is probably your best guess. Dealing with espionage, secret organisations, diverse and scenic locations plus heavy hitting, large scale set pieces and you'll see that the Bond vibes are there. Adding to the set up is a suave lead in John David Washington, a sinister Bond-esque villain in Kenneth Branagh and Robert Pattinson's mysterious side kick Neil who always seems to know more than he should and you have an interesting mix. The characters themselves are mostly service to the plot and aside from Elizabeth Debicki's Kat and Branagh's Sator, little is offered in terms of deeper understanding of their motives or back stories. But there's also no denying that Nolan is on fine form once again with huge, practical set pieces that look glorious on screen and can't help but keep your interest.

The inversion sequences are unlike anything I've seen and visually I find it impressive yet tough to process especially during the more complex sequences. What starts off with just bullets later progresses to cars, corridor fights, interrogation sequences and even a full scale battle. Even now I can't honestly say that I fully grasp what I'm seeing on screen nor how concepts such as Temporal Pincer movements affect the larger set pieces such as during the heist in Tallinn. Whether this is really an issue with myself or the film is definitely up for discussion but I think there's no denying that that Tenet, for me at least is difficult to fully understand. Nolan has said that you're not meant to understand everything about Tenet and while I think there's something to be said about ambiguity in films, I ultimately feel that Tenet is too complex to be as satisfying an experience as I hoped it would be ... at least not yet. Tenet is a film that is too interesting to ignore and will be a film I keep coming back to again and again.

VERDICT

Tenet represents one of the most challenging cinematic experiences I've ever had and it will likely prove too much for a lot of people. But this is a film that offers greater rewards the more you stick with it and while it isn't the best film Christopher Nolan has made, it is one of the most intriguing.

4/5

[stephaniegaunt]

The Keeper and The Snake

Original fanfic written by me.

Can also read it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/46517485/chapters/117133990

Summary: Sequel to Hogwarts Legacy (SPOILERS, lots of them). My original MC Seraphine Vector invites her friend Ominis Gaunt to spend the summer with her.

Fluff, romance, slow-burn, friends-to-lovers, and a whole lot of angst ensues.

This is Chapter 2. You can read Chapter 1 here

CHAPTER 2: The Gift

Time went by quickly in the safe house. During the days your parents found ways to entertain you both. Your father quickly bonded with Ominis, as your dad was fascinated by the boy’s magical skills, and Ominis was fascinated by all the Muggle objects, from the stove to a bicycle that your father was constructing. You also introduced him to Muggle literature, and he got quite fond of Jules Verne’s books.

You both got to talk more, too, and you quickly grew to appreciate how intelligent, empathetic, and surprisingly funny he is. One of his most endearing habits was his ability to fall asleep anywhere, anytime. A few times you caught him delightfully snoozing, book resting on his chest, or softly snoring curled up in an armchair. He did explain that not seeing daylight made it a bit difficult to sleep at appropriate times.

You also found out more about his family. Things that so far only Sebastian knew. Gaunts were a cruel family, avoiding Azkaban by sheer luck and connections. Besides aunt Noctua, whose bones you found in the Scriptorium, Ominis also had an uncle who married Headmaster Black’s sister. Through them, Ominis had one cousin, Juno, who graduated from Hogwarts the year before your 5th. You already saw Ominis’ younger, arrogant sister, who he always tried to tease when he had the chance. Not that she didn’t deserve it. But he also had a couple of older siblings, both as sadistic as their parents. Nerona Gaunt was the oldest. A highly capable witch, she was her father’s favorite simply because of her incredible talent for the dark arts. She was twenty years old and engaged to be married to Adolphus Carrow this very summer. Growing up in her shadow was Ominis’ older brother Marvolo. Eighteen years old, he barely graduated from Hogwarts a year ago and, according to Ominis, was “as stupid and cruel as a troll”. Marvolo always felt overshadowed by his older sister, developing views about women that would be considered outdated even by ancient Muggle standards. Because of that, he tended to side with his younger brother, even showing him the Undercroft. Ominis revealed that while Marvolo’s bullying was more physical, emotionally and mentally torturous Nerona was the one he feared more.

You appreciated his honesty and one warm summer evening you decided to finally tell him everything about what happened throughout the school year, and before. Even more than you told Sebastian. It felt great to finally unload.

“Unbelievable…” he exclaimed after you finished your story. “But does explain a lot.”

“I hope you understand why I never told you any of it earlier,” you said apologetically.

“Oh, I do. Don’t worry about it, your secrets are safe with me,” he said kindly, touching your hand, but immediately drew away. “How much does Sebastian know?” he quickly asked.

“A bit less. He knows of my abilities and the whole Ranrok-Rookwood thing, just no details,” you replied.

He sat silently for a bit, deep in thought, then said, “Probably for the best. He might’ve pushed you to help Anne even more than he did.”

“I could never do to Anne what Isidora did to all those people.”

It was a perfect evening for these sorts of conversations. The air was sweet and warm, you could hear the cicadas and the frogs create their symphony, and the rays of the setting sun painted the garden golden.

“I wish you could see what I see,” you said your thoughts out loud and immediately regretted it. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to insult.”

“You didn’t,” he replied softly. “But I would appreciate it if you could describe it to me.”

You did your best to tell him about the golden sunset light, and how the flowers in the garden slowly closed their petals to prepare for the night. How lazy the river streamed, carrying the leaves of the willow trees like tiny boats. And the minuscule freckles of dust and pollen, shining in the sunlight like fairy wisps. When you finished, you both sat in silence, until the sun hid behind the hills and dusk set in.

“I don’t mind being blind,” he suddenly spoke. “I’d say I adapted quite well. Besides, I’d rather not see some things, growing up with my family. But there are some limitations to what I can do. I cannot swim or fly, or apparate. Or be with someone romantically.”

“Well, I don’t know about that last one. There’s nothing about being blind that could prevent love,” you rushed to reassure him.

“You’re still new to the wizarding world, but a lot of young witches see any form of disability as a hereditary curse,” he uttered gloomily.

You were about to say “I don’t”, but managed to catch yourself in time. Instead, you just said, “Any witch would be foolish not to like you, Ominis.”

His expression was unreadable, shielded by the dusk, but you could swear you saw his eyes light up just a little.

July 17th was your birthday and you finally turned sixteen. An owl, sent by Professor Weasley, carried a huge parcel full of letters and gifts from all of your friends from Hogwarts, and a brief but sweet congratulations card from Ms. Weasley herself. Poppy sent a long letter describing her progress of becoming an animagus (yet unsuccessful) and added a Mandrake leaf just in case you wanted to try it yourself. Natty’s letter was brief, but touching, and she sent a Ugandan good luck charm as a gift. Leander complained in his letter about being forbidden to visit you but wished you a lovely birthday and added a never dying rose as a gift. Sebastian mostly talked about his own failed attempts at reconciling with Anne and issues of living alone, sending the stench of the dead as a gift “for your potions”, showing you that he perhaps had more encounters with the Inferi.

There was just you, Ominis, and your parents, but everything was great regardless. Your mom baked a delicious sponge cake, while your dad gifted you the bike that he was working on. But there was one gift that made your heart skip a beat.

“I got you something as well,” Ominis said after you were done with the cake and were lazily enjoying the sunny garden. “It’s not new, so if you don’t like it, don’t worry about it, it’s just that you mentioned wanting to read some wizard literature…” he mumbled.

“Calm down, Ominis, I’m sure I will love whatever it is,” you reassured him as you unwrapped the parcel paper it was covered in.

Inside was a book. Not just any, but the one you saw Ominis carrying while in Hogwarts and mention repeatedly when both of you discussed literature. It was his own, well-read copy of

The Witch’s Astrolabe – an adventure story that was a mix of magic and romance. You touched the worn cover and felt your eyes well up.

“Ominis,” you uttered. “This is a wonderful gift, thank you.”

Worry on his face got immediately replaced by relief, “I wanted to order you a new copy, but…”

“This one is perfect,” you interrupted him. And it was. Ominis didn’t let on, but his family, despite being purebloods, were not well-off. On numerous occasions he himself described their house as a “run-down shack”. Most of his personal money came from a tiny inheritance that his aunt Noctua secretly left him, ensuring that he gets her Gringotts vault key while at Hogwarts, so her greedy siblings wouldn’t take it all. But there wasn’t much, and you knew he had to be frugal about his spending, hardly ever going to Hogsmeade and pretty much never buying anything for himself. Once on passing Sebastian mentioned that Ominis and his siblings got their clothing and school supplies covered by the Black family, especially after one of them became the school’s headmaster. So, for Ominis to gift something so precious, so personal to you… it made you feel something, as if butterfly’s wings fluttered in your stomach.